Mind Farts
by NarutosBrat
Summary: Just a few drabbles and ideas for anyone whose interested.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the following premises that the Naruto characters find themselves in. And to be honest, I'm not even sure I own that.

If you find a drabble in this slew of stupidity that you want to expand on, then by all means have at it. Seeing how other people change and pervert my ideas is a lot more fun, and admittedly less stressful, than perverting said ideas myself.

888

When He Stopped Smiling...

They killed his heart when they killed the woman he loved. They killed his morals when they killed his sensei/brother (could be Iruka or Kakashi, I'm leaning towards Iruka). Just as she was helping him to rebuild his shattered life, they killed his reason for living. Now, with no feelings, no morals, and nothing left to care for, Naruto wages a one man war against the Akatsuki. A beast has been awakened, one that even the Kyuubi is wary of.

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**Silly Drabble 1**

Beware, Naruto is OOC in this. there will also be a bit of Sasuke bashing, but like a wise (wo)man once said, when it's crack, anything goes.

"I thought I was your best friend." The man questioned.

"You **were** my best friend, now I trust you about as far as I can throw you." Naruto said, plainly. "And since you'd likely throw a hissy fit if I tried, I doubt that would be very far."

"How could you not trust your best friend?" Sasuke asked, slightly at odds. Naruto gave him a frustrated look at the Uchiha's insistence that he was still his best friend.

"You got a hickey from a known pedophile." Naruto said. "Granted it was forced on you, but that doesn't matter anymore. The fact that you liked it enough to run away to said pedo to get more hickeys, makes you insanely disturbed, and I don't trust those kinds of people on principle."

"That's not what happened!" Sasuke screamed, shocked and appalled by the blonde's words.

"I know, but that's the story I'm sticking to." Naruto answered. "It gives me plausible deniablility when Sakura asks me when I'll bring you back home. And speaking of which." The Uchiha barely had time to react as the sound of a dart firing reached his ears. Turning, sword drawn, he made to deflect the incoming mini missle. Unfortunately, the dart, suddenly and far too close to adjust, exploded into half a dozen much smaller darts, all of which impacted his bare chest. The Uchiha gave a groan, before collapsing to the ground. Naruto took a look at his former friend, before shaking his head.

"I wasn't going to say anything, but that outfit really makes you look even more like the kind of perv who likes Orochimaru hickeys." That was the last thing Sasuke heard before darkness overcame him.

Four days later, after several more darts to nonsexual parts of his anatomy, Sasuke Uchiha was found outside Anbu headquarters. A note was pinned to his...ahem...outfit that would make the Uchiha name one of infamy. It read...

_I don't care what you do to him, so long as you keep that Orochimaru hickey loving sicko away from me._

_Signed,_

_Naruto Uzumaki_

It would be less than a week later that the Rumor Mongering Division of Anbu had nearly the entire village thinking that Sasuke was a depraved pervert who craved hickeys from pedophiles like Orochimaru. The fallout between Naruto and the remaining two original members of Team 7, who refused to believe that Sasuke ran away to get hickeys from Orochimaru was legendary. But considering that Naruto started banging Hinata Hyuuga, who had a body like a goddess and a beautiful personality to match, soon after, the blond wasn't all that affected. When Hanabi turned 16, she kidnapped her sister and her new husband, tied them both up, and made Hinata watch as she got her cherry brutalized by Naruto's bohemoth beefstick. Hinata in turn escaped easily (once Hanabi had cum hard enough to almost pass out), tied up her little sister, happily slurped her husband's baby batter from the younger Hyuuga, then untied her, and proceeded to tagteam her husband with her little sister. Naruto's already great life got even better that night.

Three weeks later, when Neji finally came out of the closet and revealed that he was hot for Lee, Tenten was devastated. That is, until she was abducted by a pair of perverted Hyuuga heiresses, molested for three days straight, then introduced to their shared Zanbato. When Tenten happily and eagerly decided that she wanted to be repeatedly speared by said Zanbato, Naruto's life got even better.

By the time he became Hokage, Naruto had married and had children with both Hyuuga heiresses, and Konoha's premier weapons expert. He'd also knocked up the Hokage's assistant...twice- a year into his reign when she found herself knockedup for a third time, she finally caved, and married him as well. As for the Godaime herself, the circumstances of her retirement were deemed SSSSS-class. After all, having a young man that you viewed as a son/brother bend you over, and use you to help test the sturdiness of, an 80+ year old desk that your grandfather created wasn't something Tsunade wanted getting out. Nor did she want anyone knowing that after he was done, he'd created half a dozen Kage Bunshin, and gangbanged her into retirement.

Luckily for Kakashi, he overcame his stupidity about Sasuke and hickeys. Afterall, in a twisted sort of way, Naruto had been right; especially if what he knew about the application of the Curse Seal was correct. The fact was further driven home when he finally saw what his former student had deemed to be clothing. While Sakura twitched on the ground from a massive nosebleed, ironically enough imagining herself, Sai, and Sasuke in both hetero and yaio situations, Kakashi decided that it was time to apologize to Naruto.

The situation was further compounded when Sai, Mr. Penis himself, mentioned that Sasuke looked gay, and asked to be transferred for fear of the Uchiha having developed Orochimaru's fetish for giving young boys hickeys. That had been the last straw. Sasuke disappeared again for three months, and when he returned, he had Orochimaru's head, and clothing similar to the ones he'd left in. When asked about his actions, he would only comment.

"I was wrong. Dobe was right. Orochimaru is dead."

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**Silly Drabble 2**

Years down the line (really only 1-2), Akatsuki is no more (no Madara, and the group disbanded after Naruto killed Pein), and Naruto is still trying to bring Sasuke back (because he isn't the complete douche he's become in canon). Finally fed up with both Naruto's attempts, and the perverted leech he'd acquired, he tries to think of a way to get rid of them both.

Checking his calender, Sasuke noted that it was about time for Naruto's next attempt to bring him back. Looking over at Karin, he decided to pose a question that he was already partially sure he knew the answer to, especially given the standard answer for the gender.

"Karin, do you like men with large penises and chakras?" He asked, feeling disburingly like he was imitating someone he shouldn't be. He smirked when he saw the trickle of blood slip from her nose.

"H-hai." She answered, thinking that she knew what he was really asking her. '_That's why he kept turning me away, he's embarrassed because he thinks he's too big._' Karin gushed. '_Sasuke-kun is so amazing._'

"Good." Sasuke said, knowing exactly what she was probably thinking. While he wasn't small by any means, nor was he overly big by the same, he was content with his size. Naruto, however, was very big, and had always made him feel inadequate when they had to use outdoor means of bathing back on Team 7. Now the Dobe would pay the consequences for those feelings of inadequacy. Yes, he would pay with interest.

The next day, Sasuke and Karin stood on the outskirts of a small village, awaiting the arrival of a certain blond. It was something of a routine the pair had gotten into, and so they'd gone to meet the dobe when Karin had told him she could feel Naruto coming. The Uchiha knew he'd only have one chance at this, so prepared to attack. Karin was somewhat shocked that Sasuke would attack the blond after he'd just turned the man away all those other times. As soon as Naruto came to a stop, Sasuke leapt into action, one that no one expected. A swift Shunshin, and he was behind Naruto. He reached up, grabbed Naruto's pants and boxers, snatched them both down to his knees, and was running off in the distance the next moment. Time stood still as the other two occupants of the area came to grips with what had just happened. Naruto had a look of confusion on his face, until he saw the gobsmacked look on the redheads face. A look of deepest betrayal crossed Naruto's features before he sensed sudden movement.

Naruto stared down at the woman who was currently stroking, caressing, petting, nuzzling, snuggling, and cooing at his genitals...up to the 'shrinking over the horizon' figure of Sasuke...down to the woman...and back up to his former best friend. With a yell that could be heard for nearly a mile, and that was completely ignored by the woman with her face currently shoved in his crotch, Naruto let out his frustrations.

"SASUKE, YOU BASTARD!!!" Why might one ask was Naruto feeling so wronged, especially with a woman's face shoved in his crotch? Well, after it had been mostly abandoned, Tsunade had ordered a series of raids on the former Oto bases. Inside, they'd found profiles on many of the ninja in his employ, most notably the members of Team Hebi. The girl that had just been left in his 'care' was a true head case, and neither Orochimaru, Kabuto, Shizune, or Tsunade had been able to tell if she had Schizophrenia, MPD, a combo of both, or a new undocumented kind of crazy. She also had the tendency to latch onto people who had or embodied something she liked or found pleasing, and devotedly follow them to hell and back. She also, though Tsuande had neglected to tell Naruto this part believing he'd not have to worry about this given her infatuation with the Uchiha, had a tendency towards molestation if she found the person she'd latched to sexually attractive; something Sasuke was, thankfully he'd say, only passingly familiar with. Now, while large penises and large chakras both ranked behind dark, broody, Bishies, combined...that was another story. Being a sensor, she'd known the Naruto boy had large chakra levels, and always found it tantalizing, but with a Bishie like Sasuke around, there wasn't any comparison. Now that she knew what he'd been hiding in his pants, there was nothing you could do to separate her. After all, a man with a large penis and crazy stamina had a much more practical use than a cute, emo, Bishounen boy. Karin Igawa had a new snuggly, and his name was Naruto Uzumaki.

Months later...

Unfortunately for Sasuke, in his haste to rid himself of she who was called 'the leech', he completely forgot about her special ability. It wasn't until Naruto showed up three times in the normal span it took him to find him once, each time with 'her' in tow, did he remember that Karin was a chakra sensor. It was also at this point that he realized that he was going to be seeing a lot more of Naruto now;and boy was he right. Since it was so easy to find Sasuke now, Naruto stopped bothering to bring him back, and just came to visit once a month whereever he was. It was when the Hyuuga girl started tagging along, and along with Karin, began making sexually rude gestures behind Naruto's back and nodding at the clueless sage, while the blond talked him into a stupor, that he really thought about what his future held. If he went back to Konoha, he'd be imprisoned or executed for defecting that was for sure. If he stayed away, he had to look forward to Naruto's, now monthly, visits; and Sasuke had no qualms about comparing Naruto to PMS, both being unwanted visitors. In the end, Sasuke realized that a cell in a Konoha prison was likely the only chance he'd have at getting away from Naruto. Finally making his decision, Sasuke stood.

"Fine, I'll go back, but you have to promise to stay away from me." Sasuke said, before glaring at the two kunoichi still making perverted gestures. "And keep those two perverts away from me too." Naruto turned to see Hinata and Karin giving him innocent looks. When the quartet made it back to Konoha, Sasuke became the first person to ever break into the prison and lock himself away. Laying on his cot in the prison, Sasuke smiled his first true smile in a long time. He was away from Naruto, had made him promise to stay away, and finally had the peace and quiet he desired. At least he did until Sakura and Ino found out, and began making near weekly visits to talk his ears off about how things had been since he'd been gone, how much they still loved him, and how great things were going to be once he got out and showed Ino-pig/Forehead how much they were in love. It was at this point that he realized a PMS Naruto was far better to deal with than Sakura and Ino any day. Barely three months into his sentence, Sasuke had had enough. With the chakra seals on him, escape wasn't even a possibility, so he took the only other way out he could. A morning patrol found Sasuke dangling from the ceiling by his bedspread, a rail from the bedframe lodged into the concrete holding it in place. The surprising thing was the massive grin on his face, one that was usually only found on Naruto.

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**Sharingan assassin**

OC with a bloodline that completely sterilizes the Sharingan. Sterilizes as in Sharingan will activate, but it's as useless as having an Inuzuka nose in a fart factory. Any Sharingan specific jutsu are rendered useless (i.e. Mangekyo and Tobi's Swirling Dimension of Doom), any jutsu acquired with the Sharingan are rendered enept, and the basic functions of the bloodline are shot to hell.

Stalking towards the ancestral Uchiha, OC drawls.

"Word going around is that you're really Madara Uchiha."

"Me, Madara Uchiha, nonsense." The Uchiha scoffed. "Who would say such hurtful things? I'm just Tobi."

"Are you sure, because I'm getting Uchiha vibes from you, and I hate getting Uchiha vibes from people. They're creepy, and make me feel violated." Realizing the futility of the situation, Madara broke down and cowered.

"Don't hurt me, please." He screamed. "I'm not him. I'm not him."

"Oh, I think you are." OC replied silkily.

"No, I'm not Madara Uchiha, I'm not Kunta Kinte...My name is TOBI!!!"

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**Silly Drabble 3**

Poses the question of if there was actually reason to doubt Sasuke left of his own free will.

If his brother was in trouble, then he was coming for him, and he would kill anything that got in his way. Grabbing Kabuto by the front of his shirt, he growled into his face.

"Listen, and listen well, you turncoat." Naruto spat. "If Sasuke is running with Orochimaru of his own free will, then I'll kill him myself the next time I see him. However, if I get even the tiniest inkling that Sasuke doesn't want to be there, and is being held against his will...there is nothing on this planet, not even the Kyuubi itself would be able to stop be from shoving a Rasenshuriken up Orochimaru's ass." Kabuto only snickered pervertedly.

"I wouldn't if I were you," The man said. "Orochimaru-sama might actually like that."

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**Ino and Hinata Oneshot/Story**

**You can do something with this if you want, but I might do something with this later too, just a forewarning.**

After getting his heart crushed by Sakura shortly after becoming teammates, Naruto gives up completely Then again, having someone tell you point blank, "Get it through your empty head, Naruto. Nothing you ever say or do is going to make me like you at all, so stop asking me." it's kinda hard not to see why.

Ino, having been rejected rather brutally herself by Sasuke, "Listen well you waste of civilian level chakra, I have no use for weak whores who throw themselves at me. Uchiha are the best, and deserve nothing but the best, therefore I shall use only the best to rvive my clan.", and being laughed at by Sakura (who was in the same boat as Ino, and was soon after just as brutally rejected, though her emotionally masochitic second personality wouldn't accept it) was also looking for payback.

Deciding to get back at both Sasuke, for rejecting her, and Sakura for laughing, and due to their rivalry, decides to make Naruto (who was the deadlast, and most likely to affect the Uchiha) worthy of a girls attention, as well as a top notch shinobi. She also begins to take her own training seriously to prove the teme (a word she picked up from Naruto a couple days later) wrong. At the Chuunin exams, Naruto unveils his new awesomeness.

Ino/Nar/Hin post timeskip: "Listen Hinata, if you promise to help me get Naruto, then I'll share him with you after we've been together for a little while; first you'll have to get to a point that you don't faint around him though."

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When they take Naruto shopping for better shinobi clothes, and Ino reveals a bit of her perverse curiosity...

Ino held up the pair of small briefs for Hinata to see.

"We should get him to try these on." She said, her face alight. Hinata's face pinkened as she looked away. "Come on, aren't you at least a little curious." Her face became like a beacon as the young Hyuuga burned a bright red, looked down at her dainty toes, and poked her fingers together. Slowly, she shook her head, causing Ino's eyes to widen.

"You've seen it?" Ino asked, then thought about the question. Of course, the Byakugan. "Well."

"B-b-big." Hinata stuttered out.

"Oh, he's definitely trying this on." Ino said, throwing them into the pile.

Few days before Chuunin Exams...

Ino growled when she found Naruto and Hinata at his team's training ground sitting beneath a large tree, eating ramen together. Ino frowned. As soon as they had noticed her, Hinata whispered something into Naruto's ear, got up, and left. It hadn't escaped her that Naruto was spending more time with Hinata than he was with her; and after she had agreed to share too. Deciding to find out what that back-stabbing bitch had been up to, Ino marched over.

"What the hell, Naruto?!" She exclaimed, stopping right in front of Naruto. "You're supposed to be my boyfriend, why are you always with her?" Naruto, surprisingly didn't flinch at her chastisation, but returned her angry look.

"Ino, do you really like me, or are you just trying to get back at Sasuke and Sakura?" Ino blinked, and then blinked again. "Look, the fact that you're trying so hard to piss them off, means that you're not over Sasuke or your rivalry with Sakura. Until you do that, it's not going to work." Again, Ino looked at Naruto shocked. When had he ever been this smart, and observant. Naruto rolled his eyes. "I may not be all that book smart, but I'm no dummy. I've had to grow up and learn the way of the world early." Finished with his toppings and noodles, Naruto sat his chopsticks down, and tipped his bowl to sip at the broth. Ino could only stare at him, and stew in her own stupidity. Naruto was right. The whole point of this had been to make Sasuke jealous. While annoying Sakura was just a bonus, the Uchiha had been the main target. She hadn't been over Sasuke, but at the same time, she had actually started to develop feelings for Naruto. Maybe it was time to take Naruto's advice, and finally let Sasuke go. Maybe she should try and explore these feelings for Naruto a little more. Glancing over, she saw that he'd finished the broth from his ramen, some had spilled down his chin, and that he was about to wipe his mouth. Her hand darted out quickly, and stopped him. He looked at her quizzically, but got a mischievously sultry look from his fellow blonde. She sat down on his lap, leaned into his personal space, and winked at him. The next thing Naruto knew, a warm moist something was caressing his chin, and up his cheek, following the trail of broth on his face.

When her tongue reached his lips, Ino captured them with hers in a soft kiss. Leaning back she saw his eyes were widened in shock.

"Well, you said I should take us more seriously, right." She leaned in for another kiss, and begged entrance with her tongue. The innocent kiss soon became more passionate, as Ino found herself drawn further and further into the kiss. Then as memories began to assault her of the blond whose lap she had perched herself in- namely the ones involving that pair of underpants she and Hinata had made him try on- she couldn't help the small spike of lust that ran through her. Now while she wasn't ready for the really naughty stuff, she was more than eager for a little manual exploration. Pulling his shirt free from his pants, she slid her fingers underneath, and began stroking his chest. His skin was smooth, and she could feel the developing muscles of his chest and abs as her hands moved.

Naruto's hands hadn't been idle either. They'd gone to her slim waist, then slid down some to where they'd stroked her wrapping covered hips. Naruto let out a small groan when he felt Ino grinding into him, and his hands, of their own volition, slipped under her battle skirt, and began cupping- sometimes gently squeezing- her plump rear end.

By the time they broke the kiss, there were two pairs of slightly glazed eyes sitting under that tree. Ino licked her lips, relishing in the taste of her boyfriend's lips, the beef ramen he'd just consumed very prominent. Ino kissed Naruto again, chastely this time, and gently tugged on his bottom lip with her teeth. Both teens blushed at their position, but neither made any attempt to move. They found a comfort with each other that they rather liked. As Ino lay her head on Naruto's shoulder, and just basked in the afterglow of that amazing kiss, she smiled. 'This is defintely something worth exploring more of.' Ino thought closing her eyes.

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"Ino what the hell are you doing?" Sakura screeched. The blonde barely looked up from where she was now contentedly nuzzling Naruto's neck.

"I'm snuggling with my new boyfriend, Forehead." She replied. "Now leave us alone. I have today off, and I know your sensei isn't going to be here for at least another hour or two. You're ruining the peaceful vibe here."

"You're dating Naruto?" Sakura asked in disbelief. "_**Cha, who the hell gives up Sasuke-kun for Naruto?!**_"

"Yes, is there a problem with that?" She asked.

"But, he's the deadlast." Sakura said, causing Naruto to bristle underneath Ino. She rubbed his whiskered cheeks to try and calm him down, and was surprised at the purring sound he emitted.

"He may not be book smart, but that doesn't make him stupid, either." Ino answered smoothly. "Who knew that Naruto-kun had such hidden depths?" She asked her former rival. Naruto sensing that he was being teased, gave Ino another swat on the rear end. Ino bit her lip and whimpered, before replying. "And if he keeps doing that, I'll be calling him Naruto-sama before too long." Sakura's eyes widened further, before she gave a frustrated shriek, and stalked over to the bridge they normally waited at. Ino laid her head back down, and closed her eyes again. It was this reason that she didn't notice the look of blazing hatred that Sasuke threw at both her and Naruto. Naruto did notice it, and gave the Uchiha a questioning glance. Both knew what that look meant. Naruto wanted to know what he was so pissed about. Didn't Sasuke hate his fangirls? Unless he was mistaken, he'd technically ridded the bastard of one of them.

The first thing to understand, is that Sasuke didn't like Ino. That was a fact, pure and simple. What had Sasuke so riled up was the offense that Naruto had committed by taking one of _his_ fangirls. Regardless of the fact that he held no romantic interest in any of them, nor the fact that he could care less what happened to any of them, it was the principle of the situation. Naruto- the orphan, deadlast, loser Naruto- had stolen something that rightfully belonged to him, Sasuke Uchiha, clan heir, Rookie of the Year. He was an Uchiha, the elite of shinobi clans, and this nobody had the nerve to take one of his fangirls. Sasuke didn't care that it was Ino Yamanaka (though having a clan heir as a fangirl was a nice boost to the ego), he wouldn't have really cared which of the banshees the dobe had taken. The fact was, his pride wouldn't let the offense stand. He was going to embarrass that loser, and that useless bimbo would be back where she belonged...pointlessly fawning over him.

888

Ino, coming back from a mission shortly after making Chuunin, bumps into Naruto and Jiraiya who are passing through Fire Country on the way to Wave Country. Ino and Naruto spend the night together, and enjoy a bang-bang-skeet-skeet-a-thon.

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Naruto comes back from his journey, and goes to see Ino. When he arrives at her home, he goes up to the loft above the Yamanaka Flower shop, and finds Ino making out with Hinata.

"What the hell?!" He yells. Ino and Hinata jump, separate, and blush heavily. Ino then gets a bashful look.

"Damn, I wanted this to be a surprise." She said. When Naruto only continued to stare, she added. "You remember all the fun we had with just the two of us. Imagine the fun we can have with three of us." She then cupped Hinata's prominent bosom. "Especially with these."

"Have I told you I love you, lately?" Naruto asked, jumping into the fray.

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**Motherly Ambitions**

After seeing the way that Naruto is treated by Sakura, and women in general, Tsunade decides to help the boy whose become like a son to her; by creating her boy a harem. Anko, Shizune, Hinata, Hana/Tsume, Ayame

888

"Stop it Sakura." Tsunade said. "Stop stringing Naruto along."

"What are you talking about?" She said. "I'm not..."

"Yes, you are, and I'm telling you to stop." Tsunade retorted. "Naruto has been nothing but kind to you, and deserves to have the courtesy returned. Either you give up Uchiha, and give Naruto your all, or you take your chances with Uchiha, and stop holding onto Naruto. Bear in mind, that if you choose Uchiha, Naruto will never, ever be with you. I will make sure of that."

"What are you talking about, Shishou?" Sakura growled. "I'm not holding onto Naruto."

"Yes, you are, even if you don't realize you're doing it." The Hokage said. "You're showing him just enough affection to keep his hopes up about a relationship with you. That way, if things fall through on the Uchiha front, you still have your back up. Well let me tell you, Naruto will not be strung along like some second place prize. Being a Chuunin means making a choice and facing the consequences, whatever they may be, for good or ill. Make a choice, Sakura. If not, I'll make it for you, and you know what that will be."

"My choice is Sasuke-kun, it always has been, and will be." Sakura said firmly.

"You really are a stupid little girl, aren't you." Tsunade muttered to herself.

888

"Listen, Naruto, nothing you say or do will convince me to become interested in you romantically." Sakura said firmly. "You're my friend, but my love is for Sasuke-kun, and Sasuke-kun alone.

888

"I've got a proposition for you, young Mitarashi." Tsunade said, boring into the woman's eyes. She knew that meant that this conversation went no further than this office. "It's actually a win-win situation."

"I'm listening." She said. Though if she were honest, it's not like she could really say no, was it. Both the old man and Tsunade had done much for her standing in the village as it pertained to her former sensei.

"I know you said you'd never really entertained the idea of marriage, because you'd hate to be chained down to one guy..." Tsunade said, causing Anko to pale. The girl obviously thought she was either entering a political marriage, or going deep cover; not on Tsunade's watch, fuck what the council wanted. "But how would you like to be married to the biggest dick in Konoha?" Anko raised a delicate eyebrow.

"Depends on who it's attached to, and just how big it is." Tsunade's answer was to slide a picture across the desk. Anko's eyes widened, both at the size of the tool, and who it was connected to. She then looked up at the Hokage in askance.

"I told him it was for medical purposes, and he trusts me." The Hokage replied. Anko nodded, and went back to the picture. She gave the Hokage her due. This was a prime recruiting tool, and she'd gotten his permission to take the picture.

"Okay, so I have one more question." Anko said. "Does he know how to use that thing? Having a big dick don't mean shit if all it's gonna do is leave you sore and full of bruises...and not the good kinds either."

"You mean, you wouldn't mind?"

"The main reason I didn't want to get married, was because I never thought I'd be able to." Anko revealed. "I admit that the reasons I gave were part of it, but I've never been considered as more than a good lay by most of the guys in the village, and the ones that don't see me that way are already taken." Tsunade winced. She'd heard about Iruka and Yuugao getting engaged. How the Chuunin had been able to keep his relationship out of the Konoha rumor mill, and out of the Anbu RM Division (Rumor Monguring), whose job it was to prove or disprove the numerous rumors circulating the Elemental Nations- as well as dig up juicy gossip. They were the only division of the elite force that had a direct patch through to Jiraiya and his spy network. Sadly enough, they were also the ones responsible for most of the gossip and rumors spread throughout the village. "He's probably the single decent guy left, even if he's a bit younger than I usually like my men." Anko gave a mischievous smirk. "And I'll admit that I've always been curious if that demon in his belly had any influence on his bedroom performance."

"Naruto's made a name for himself with his unpredictability." Tsunade smirked. "Don't underestimate him, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised." Anko stood.

"Looking forward to it." She replied, stretching. "So, is that all, or do you have a mission for me?"

"Bandits on the road from Tanzaku to Otafuku." She said, tossing the woman a scroll. "By the way, there will be others." Anko paused.

"What do you mean others?" Anko asked.

"I'm creating Naruto a harem." She said. When Anko looked to protest, she waved it off. "Mah, he knows the Kage Bunshin, remember." Anko's eyes lit up.

"You know, you should have just said that from the start." She replied. "You'd be surprised how many kunoichi admit to a Kage Bunshin gangbang fantasy; and even moreso at those that won't admit it." A thought then occurred to her. "Tsunade-sama, does he know you're doing this?" The woman smirked.

"Not a clue." Anko grinned. Teasing him mercilessly until Tsunade revealed her plans to him was going to become her new favorite passtime. Hopefully by then he'll be so frustrated that he'll plow her into a mattreess, or a wall, or a table, or damn near any solid surface. Hell, given his stamina, he'd probably plow them all into oblivion. Oh yes, Anko was beginning to like the idea of being married.

People begin noticing that Anko, Shizune, Hinata, Hana, Tsume, and Tsunade are rather relaxed, sometimes giddy, and have large, unmistakable grins on their faces. When questioned about it, Anko, Hana, Tsume, and Tsunade have no qualms about bragging about how Naruto's been plowing them into the matress on a regular basis. When they start revealing his personal bedroom jutsu, other women become jealous (namely Sakura).

Sexual Massage, and Penis and Tongue Kage Bunshin, as well as Kage Bunshin (GBnJ).

The ultimate backrub-

Lay the girl on her stomach, and put your crotch against theirs, but don't rub or grind against them (not for guys with little self-control). Then give her a back rub with chakra covered fingers. Ironically enough, Naruto had learned the trick from his perverted sensei, Jiraiya. Not as a lesson meant to corrupt the boy, but in different bursts of advice that he'd pieced together for the ultimate massage technique. Combining the three lessons: the first, that a good massage can relax the muscles, and it was okay for even guys to partake; the second, that rubbing a sore area with chakra coated fingers can ease tension, and soreness; and the third, that a full body massage doesn't give you permission to grope certain parts. Although to be honest, that last lesson was rather unintentional on Ero-Sennin's part.

Intimate version-

Lay the girl on her stomach, and put half the penis in (only for lovers), but don't thrust (not for guys with little self-control). Then give her a back rub with chakra covered fingers. The only thrusts that will occur, are gentle intrusions when reaching up to rub her shoulders, or her own motions.

Pleasure Palm no jutsu- basically turns the hands into low powered Rasenshurikens. Not only does it cause the hands to vibrate, but the wind chakra actually stimulates the pleasure sensors in the nerves and nerve endings.

Kouzetsu Kage Bunshin- what was once one tongue licking her to mush, suddenly became two.

Penis Kage Bunshin- allows for a one man DP

Ninpou: Omega Splooge no Jutsu- user busts omega nut, with 10 times the power and volume of normal one. handseals horse (uma), ram (hitsuji), dragon (tatsu)

---- eyes widened when she felt a small surge of chakra, and then the cock inside her increase in size by at least half. She could also feel the balls slapping her taint were much heavier than before. Reaching down to cup them, she found that they'd nearly tripled in size. It wasn't until Naruto spoke, that she realized just what was about to happen.

"Ninpou...Omega...Splooge...no Jutsuaaaaahhhhh!!!!" Naruto cried, before exploding with a furiosity never before seen by man.

If any one was wondering, that last one is the jutsu that resulted in Shizune being knocked up three times in that earilier drabble.

--------

**The real reason Naruto ignores Hinata...**

"Why, why do you ignore her?" Hanabi growled. Her sister loved this fool, and yet, he ignored her repeatedly. Today, she was going to find out why. "Why do you chase after that pink haired bitch who rejects you at every turn, when you can have my sister who would likely not hesitate to share your bed?"

"Because that's what your father recommended." Of all the possible answers, that was defintely one she hadn't expected.

"My father?" Hanabi asked.

"Hinata and I have been seeing each other secretly since before I left on my training trip; with your father's blessing even. The fact is, the Hyuuga Elders are such stuck up snobs, they'd have made too huge a bitch about it for us to be happy together. The Hyuuga Elders fear me, and the effect I seem to have on people. They're worried that if Hinata and I get into a serious relationship, I'll encourage Hinata to grow a backbone, and she won't be the perfect pliable clan head that they want her to be; that your father admitted he'd been becoming. Your father suggested that regardless of my relationship with Hinata, that I still seemingly chase after Sakura. So long as I don't seem to return Hinata's feelings, I don't register as a threat, and they won't bother us. My father and yours arranged a marriage between us, and it is one that we both want. The problem is, until I can prove my lineage, and overrule your Council, we can't be. Hanabi, I love your sister, but until I am strong enough to protect myself from my father's enemies, I can't claim his name. Until I can do that, Hinata and I cannot let the proof be revealed."

---------

**One way to end a stupid rivalry**

Two rival kunoichi (likely Sakura and Ino) make a bet. The loser has to do something off the wall, and another kunoichi suggests spending the night with Naruto during that special time of the month.

"Oh come on, everyone knows you both want to do it with him." Tenten said. "And you're probably the only girls within a decade of our age group who hasn't."

"Yeah, but I don't want to do it during that time." Sakura said. After all, there wasn't any point to denying that she liked Naruto. Damn near every woman in the village wanted a piece of him ever since he absorbed the Kyuubi, and went through those...Sakura shuddered, and rubbed her thighs together...changes. It was just too bad that his heart belonged to Hinata. Oddly enough, she'd told him that they couldn't settle down until he got certain demonic urges out of his system- which Tsunade calculated could take anywhere from 2-3 years. That was just over two years ago, and many a Konoha woman had taken advantage of Naruto's inability to abstain from reacting if seduced. Tsunade had once been worried this would make him susceptible to assassination attempts (cause really, who could take him head on anymore), but when they'd had half a dozen foreign kunoichi defect after trying to seduce him, she stopped worrying. There was only one time each month where every female in the village either avoided him, or made sure all interaction with him was strictly platonic; the full moon. Only one woman had come after Naruto during a full moon, and it was how they'd learned of the frightening consequences. A master courtesan from Iwa had come for Naruto's head, and gotten utterly decimated. They found her the morning after, her pelvic region covered in a thick, foamy, white paste. She was also unconscious, unresponsive, and laying in a puddle nearly half a meter in all directions that had partially glued her to the floor. Once they'd gotten that layer of muck from her, they found that both her lower openings were filled to the brim with the stuff that was pretending to be semen. A medical examination revealed her to be completely and permanently catatonic. When Ino's aunt had gone in to find out what happened, she refused to speak to anyone but Tsunade, and the findings had been deemed SSSS-rank classified. There was then a standing order not to seduce Naruto for the entire week of the full moon. As for the lady Yamanaka, well, she still couldn't look at Naruto without creaming her panties.

While Naruto had since gotten more stable during that time, it still wasn't safe to try and tackle Naruto without some serious back up. A fact that Anko, Kurenai, and Hana learned just four months prior; though how Anko talked the latter two into doing it was anyone's guess. What resulted was three kunoichi being fucked silly. The reports say that Anko was reduced to a giggly, lovey dovey teenager for almost a week after, Kurenai has odd reactions to certain condiments and fruits (and has also taken to applying for missions outside Konoha during the full moon), and Hana absolutely, and very vehemently, still refused to refer to her former blond lover as anything but Naruto-sama (her mother remarks that the violent shiver she experiences after saying the name was amusing at first, but is now starting to get creepy and annoying).

"Why, afraid because you know I'll win." Ino replied. Though in truth, she was a little more than frightened of what could happen should she lose.

--------

**Arrested development**

With Naruto having to face the coming threat of Akatsuki, Tsunade makes a bold decision. She releases one of Konoha's most dangerous and infamous felons to train the future hero. He was one of Jiraiya's students, along with the Fourth.

888

"It's either this, or attend one of Gai's Youthful Training Seminars." The recently released ninja paled.

"So, appointment Thursday, with Ibiki and Anko, and therapy on Fridays with Inoichi, got it." The ironic thing, was that these seminars were always packed, but they all wore henge, and no one would admit to attending them. Having sat in on one herself, it was required that she attend one to sign off on it, Tsunade had to admit, it was very enlightening...in both good ways and bad.

888

"Take me to lunch, and I'll let you ask your questions." A combined twenty bowls of ramen later, Naruto just couldn't believe that this man was evil.

"Just what the hell were you in prison for?" Naruto asked. "I've never known anyone who likes ramen that much to be evil."

"I killed three Genin squads." He said, causing Naruto to gain a horrified look. "Not like that you moron. My first squad couldn't survive my more advanced training methods. The Council told me that they'd give me another chance, but I couldn't use those methods anymore. My second squad I lost to combat on a simple C-rank bandit sweep. My methods may have been harsh, but they worked, and my second squad was proof of that. Anyway, I was given a third team, and I decided that to hell with the Council, I wasn't going to lose another team to fucking bandits. Again, my methods proved too harsh, so I was suspended. Once I got off of suspension, I started caring less and less for the rules. I got enough write ups from commanding officers, that I was eventually court marshalled."

"But why were you given a life sentence, that doesn't seem too bad."

"One of the guards' son was on my last team, and attacked me." The man said. "I don't take kindly to attacks, and he didn't survive. They added life to my original sentence for killing a guard."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the following premises that the Naruto characters find themselves in. And to be honest, I'm not even sure I own that.

As I said before, if you find a drabble in this slew of stupidity that you want to expand on, then by all means have at it. Seeing how other people change and pervert my ideas is a lot more fun, and admittedly less stressful, than perverting said ideas myself.

888

**If Chikaru didn't die...**

Naruto sat on the sturdiest branch of a tree near his home, trying to shake the ominous feeling that he'd been having all day. While waking up to the feeling of his wife snuggled next to him was always a great way to start a day, ever since he'd gotten out of bed, he'd felt something wrong was going to happen. It was this reason that he'd asked her to take their daughter into the village for the day. He was glad that she'd been meaning to go visit Mitsu Norinaga down at the ramen stand, or she'd have been a lot more stubborn about his request.

"Niisan, I'm done with my warm-ups." Doki said, bringing him out of his wandering thoughts. Naruto nodded and they headed out to the forest. Almost as soon as they'd arrived at the clearing they used to practice now, Naruto was forced to dodge a massive sword.

"Hey Kisame, been awhile, hasn't it." Said man grinned his shark like grin, and replied.

"Yep, you've grown up." He said, impressed. "Even got yourself a student, I see."

"I take it Itachi is finally gonna let you chop off a few limbs." Kisame grinned wider at that. "Doki, stay out of this."

"Hai, niisan." Doki took to the trees to watch.

"Shall we, old man." Naruto asked.

"You know, it's a shame you've got a biju." Kisame said, unwrapping Sameheda. "I always liked running into you, it was fun."

"Tch, I probably would have filled out an application if I didn't have to worry about getting captured." Naruto retorted.

"Well, time for talk is over, I got other things to do." With that, the two ninja got it on.

888

As Itachi entered the clearing where he had sensed the fighting, he was shocked to find Kisame's corpse lying on the ground.

"So, you killed Kisame, how unfortunate." Itachi said, no emotion on his face.

"Yeah, but don't think for a moment that you're going to take me that easily." Naruto said, dropping to the ground behind him, swiftly putting a kunai to his throat.

"It would seem we have greatly underestimated your growth potential." Itachi said. "Fine, do what you must." The fatalistic way that he'd said it brought Naruto up short. With a quick Shunshin, he was standing ten feet in front of Itachi.

"No, I want some answers first." Itachi raised an emotionless eyebrow. "Something has been bugging me since I met you." Naruto revealed. "You say your purpose is to capture me, yet you've made no real attempt to do so. You've gone through the motions of trying to capture, true, but you haven't really tried." Itachi, for the first time in years, smiled.

"Figured that out, have you?" He asked. "May I ask what gave me away?"

"It took me awhile, but I began to notice things." Naruto explained. "The first time, at that hotel, you spent an unusually long time talking to me. Had you really wanted to take me, you could have easily knocked me out with a Genjutsu or beat me senseless the same way you did Sasuke, and left before Ero-Sennin even showed up. Even still, you and Kisame could have taken him then. Instead of using it to escape, you could have captured him in, or blocked him off with, Amaterasu, and been done with it. Then there was the thing with Gaara. With just me, Kakashi, Sakura, and Chiyo-baa, it wouldn't have been to hard. Create a pair of Kage Bunshin, one to keep the ladies busy, one to keep Kakashi busy, and one to take me. That Genjutsu you put me in would have knocked me out, had it had the chance to, and you could have easily made off with me while the others stalled. You could have had both me and Gaara all in one go. And even now, not only did you allow me to fight Kisame one on one, when you could have double teamed me, but you have me trapped in a Genjutsu. If you really intended to capture me, you would have done so by now. What I want to know, is why?"

"The truth is, I was on an S-rank mission to infiltrate the Akatsuki." Itachi said. "My mission was two fold, to find out what they were really up to, and to stall your capture as long as possible. I have come to warn you, this will be my last attempt on you. The leader of our organization will come for you next. Stay on your guard, he's the leader for a reason. Now I must go, I have a destiny to die by Sasuke's hand."

"Do you really think he can beat you?" Itachi remained stoic, but gave a painful answer.

"No, but as you said, I'm good at going through the motions." Itachi then drew a kunai, and slashed his palm. "Before I go, I have one last gift for you." Faster than Naruto could see, Itachi swiped at Naruto, splashing blood in his eyes, and began doing rapid hand seals. As soon as he finished, Naruto's eyes began to develop a searing pain. "I just hope you never have to use it." With that, the Genjutsu was lifted, and he was gone. While Naruto could still feel some irritation in his eyes, it was nothing like the pain of before. A second later, Doki dropped down from the trees.

"What was that, nii-san?" He asked.

"Just an old friend, with some information." He replied, picking up Kisame's sword, and sealing it in with his Giant Fuuma and Windmill Shuriken. "Let's head back home." All the while, Naruto kept thinking, '_Could this day possibly get any worse?_' He would know the answer to that question, upon his arrival.

888

As they neared the house, Naruto tensed, sensing some very familiar chakra signatures.

"Doki, go get Chikaru and Kushina." He said, getting a questioning look from his little brother. "Tell her that I'm going to start lunch if she doesn't hurry back." Doki snickered at that. He remembered the last time Naruto had tried to cook lunch, and the fit that his sister had thrown at his audacity. To Chikaru, the idea of her husband slaving in the kitchen was blasphemy. The only excuse she'd except was if it was a surprise or a romantic gesture. Doki headed in the opposite direction down the path to the village, while Naruto continued towards the house. As he entered the gate, he felt the tension pick up in the air. There, standing on their porch, was a scarecrow looking man, with silver hair that defied gravity. His clothing was what Naruto would describe as typical Jounin ninja. The only thing that distinguished him, was his hair, and the ninja headband pulled down over his left eye.

Naruto was not happy to see his former sensei. It wasn't anything personal, but he was opposed to seeing anyone from Konoha, aside from a certain three. Even after twelve years, he was still sore about being banished for doing his job. What's more, he got banished for crippling Sasuke with the Rasengan, yet the Council, led by that one armed mummy, so conveniently overlooked the fact that Sasuke used the Chidori to put his hand through his chest. Useless bastards, all of them.

"Hello Naruto, long time no see." Kakashi said, putting away his book. "You know, you were a very hard person to find. It even took Jiraiya several years to find you."

"That was the point of going so far away from Konoha." Naruto said. Seeing this was going downhill already, Kakashi tried a different approach.

"Well, it's good to see you again." Kakashi said.

"I wish I could say the same thing." Naruto replied. "Nothing personal, you understand."

"Perfectly well," Kakashi started. "They had no right, or authority, to banish you." Giving an eye smile, he added. "Which is actually why I'm here. Tsunade sent me to find you, and bring you back."

"What makes you think I want to come back?" Naruto asked.

"I thought you'd be glad for the chance to come home." Kakashi said.

"I am home you one eyed pervert." Naruto said. "Had you said something the last time I saw you, or even come for me five years ago, I might have considered it, but now I'd rather let the Akatsuki capture me." Kakashi visibly winced at that. Finally realizing that he was out of peaceful options, Kakashi lifted his hitai-ate.

"Our orders are to bring you back. I didn't want to have to resort to this, but I will if necessary." Naruto gave him a foxy grin.

"What makes you think that you can?" Naruto asked. "I'm not that little brat you neglected as a Genin." Naruto was startled when a lazy voice behind him said.

"Kage Mane, success." Kakashi smirked.

"Good job Shikamaru." He said. "You see Naruto, we came prepared." Kakashi said. "We knew you had great potential, just from how much you improved before you left, and we compensated for it." He was shocked when Naruto smirked. Then, to the shock of all, Naruto disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Obviously, you didn't compensate enough." Came a voice from on top of the roof. The group turned to see Naruto, with the young man, and a bloody, unconscious Ino slung over his shoulder. "Now, how about we talk like civilized folk?"

"What did you do to her?" Sakura yelled.

"Nothing, I just tested out the new version of my Sexy Jutsu." Naruto said. "This one is designed to take out female perverts. As Ino here proved, it works." A quick Shunshin, and Naruto returned to the ground, setting Ino down.

"I told you it would take more than two teams." Shikamaru said. "So troublesome."

"Now just why the hell do you want me to come back so badly?" Naruto asked. "Are your people in charge realizing just how stupid they were? Did they finally figure out that without the threat of a Jinchuuriki, other villages wouldn't be so fearful of attacking them?" Naruto smirked at the shocked looks on their faces. "Yes, I've heard things even while on the move; especially when you have emissaries from other villages who heard about my banishment, and were trying to recruit me. Some, like Orochimaru, actually thought they could win me over with some whacked out scheme to get revenge." Noticing the fearful looks, he grinned. "Don't worry, I told them no, although some people don't take rejection very well. I can honestly sympathize with you kunoichi; some people just don't understand that no means no." He got a chuckle from Chouji, and an eye smile from Kakashi.

"Please Naruto, we really need you to come back with us." Sakura pleaded. "We'll do _anything_." Naruto inwardly laughed at her tone. Just a few years ago, hearing that from her would have given him a big enough woody to tear his pants.

"Sakura, I'm a married with a daughter." He said. "I don't need you to do _anything_ for me."

"Naruto-kun." A sweet, melodic voice called. Once she and the two other with her made it to the house, Chikaru noticed the others there. "Oh, hello."

"Naruto, who is this?!" Sakura asked.

"How rude of me." Naruto replied. "This is my wife, Chikaru, her little brother Doki, and my daughter Kushina." The little girl waved enthusiastically at the group.

"Naruto-kun, are we having guests for lunch?" She asked hopefully. Seeing the Konoha ninja staring at the woman in shock, Naruto grinned.

"I'm not quite sure." Naruto said. "Are you guys staying for lunch?" Kakashi eventually nodded his consent.

"That's wonderful, if you'll all come inside." Chikaru said, about to do so herself. A sudden blur ended the friendly atmosphere. A pale boy dressed in all black- his shirt a questionable croptop- held his wife with the blade of a ninjato to her throat.

"Sai, what are you doing?" Kakashi asked.

"I see Danzo sends his regards." The blade pressed harder, drawing a trickle of blood.

"Gomen Uzumaki-kun," The cheap Sasuke imitation known as Sai gave him a fake smile. "But we have orders to bring you back at any cost. I ask that you please comply for your family's sake."

"If baachan gave you those orders, then I'm guessing she meant throwing your dignity aside, and begging profusely." Naruto said. "But since this is more that old mummies style, I'm guessing you're one of Danzo's pawns."

"Shit!" Kakashi exclaimed, knowing that this had officially gone down the crapper.

"Doki, take Kushina inside." As Doki ushered the small girl, she, much like her father, protested missing something cool.

"But I wanna stay with momma and daddy." She said pouting.

"Sorry pumpkin." Naruto said. "But daddy has to do something that you aren't big enough to see." Kushina thought for a second.

"Like when you and mommy do naked hugs?" Naruto and Chikaru both blushed. Despite the seriousness of the situation, Doki snorted. Knowing how his daughter felt about that particular -icky- Naruto went with it.

"Yes, something like that." The girl made a face, and immediately stopped struggling. Doki scooped her up, and carried her inside to get ready for lunch. "Now that inocent eyes are away, let me make two things clear. If anything happens to my wife, I will see to both you and Konoha will regret it. Second, by making threats to my family, you have guaranteed not only that you will die, but that I won't be doing anything for Konoha."

"You would allow your loved one to die?" Sai asked confused. Naruto only continued to stare, before smirking.

"Chikaru, if you would." If he hadn't seen Doki do it hundreds of times, he would have missed it. Naruto noticed the glint in his wife's eye as her bloodline activated. Sai tightened his hold with the knife, but when she didn't move, he relaxed a bit. "Now, you die." Naruto moved with a speed that none but Kakashi had ever seen before. In a split second, Naruto was behind Sai, shoving a kunai into the base of his skull. To their shock, he began dissolving into ink.

There was suddenly a crash from the house. Naruto disappeared into the house using that same mach speed from before. He found the Sasuke wannabe on the ground writhing in agony. With a look of confusing on his face, he addressed Doki.

"Uh, what happened?"

"It seems that we have something to celebrate." Doki informed him. "Kushina activated our bloodline."

"Yep, and I singded like mommy and daddy showed me." She gushed while Naruto channeled some of the fox's chakra, and healed the small gash on her throat.

"Well, she actually SIGNed, but she got the gist of it." Doki said. "She even kicked him two more times for good measure. You'd have been so proud."

"Sing?" Kakashi asked.

"It's a technique for when someone grabs you from behind." Naruto replied walking over to the groaning Sai. "Elbow to the Solar Plexux, stomp on the instep, punch to the nose, then a kick or knee to the groin. SING." Given the girl's stature, it was more like GING, but that's not really the point now is it.

"Hmm, that's actually good advice." Kakashi said. "Would you mind if I shared that with Tsunade-sama" Naruto shrugged, before kicking the downed man in the groin again, further adding to his agony.

"In the interest of not making a mess of my wife's carefully maintained kitchen, I'm not going to kill you." Naruto then kicked the man in the face, rendering him unconscious. "At least, not yet."

After a wonderful lunch, which had Chouji wishing he could stay, the Konoha group set out. As they made their way back home, Kakashi was trying to figure out how to explain how they lost a teammate on a simple diplomatic retrieval.

_**Flashback**_

The group from Konoha was further shocked when Jiraiya showed up. When asked why, he revealed that Tsunade had very little faith that they'd succeed. Not to mention, any excuse to visit and have Chikaru's cooking was a good one. While he still couldn't convince Naruto to come back, he did get him to agree to something. No one but he and Jiraiya knew what it was.

As soon as lunch was over with, they woke Sai back up. He was nearly swiftly reintegrated with the sensation again when the beautiful, busty wife of Uzumaki descended upon him.

"Pervert!" She yelled, breaking Sai's nose. At Naruto's raised eyebrow, she spat. "I know what a kunai feels like, and I know what a penis feels like. That was not a kunai being pressed into by behind when he grabbed me. As soon as the words left her mouth, Sai was successfully reintegrated with unconsciousness.

Instead of trying that again, Naruto, Kakashi, and Jiraiya drugthe boy into the forest to interrogate him. Unfortunately, Danzo had drilled into his minion's head that they should kill themselves instead of facing interrogation. Tearing open a cyanide packet hidden in a tooth, the questionably dressed young man was dead in moments.

"Damn." Jiraiya said. "I was hoping we could get something on Danzo that we could finally use to get rid of that traitorous bastard."

"Why not just do it, and be done with it?" Naruto asked.

"Because accusing someone of treason, even if you know they are a traitor, without proof can end badly, and it gives away the fact that you're onto them."

"Well, luckily for you, I don't have to worry about those rules." Naruto said. "If you'll excuse us Kakashi, the grown ups need to talk."

_**Flashback ending**_

888

When Kakashi and his group made it back, he was rather fearful of the wrath he would face. And he was right to be so. Tsunade ended up knocking him through the wall, in the direction of the hospital. After learning of the suspected Danzo minion, she ordered Shizune to find Jiraiya.

"What's up hime?" Jiraiya asked.

"Please tell me you had more success than they did." She almost begged.

"Sorry, Tsunade, but he wouldn't budge." He reached into his vest, and pulled a scroll out. "But he did send this, with instructions to give it to Gaara. He said that hopefully this will work. If not, then it sucks to be us."

"Guess it's time to call the council." Tsunade said.

888

Later, Council Chambers...

"Tsunade, do you bring us good news?" Asked a fat man in garish robes. "Where is Uzumaki-kun? We have not heard of his arrival."

"Naruto's not coming back, end of story." Tsunade said.

"What, why?" Another member, obviously civilian asked.

"Do you really need to ask that question?" Shikaku asked. "Troublesome."

"Luckily for your continued health, Naruto sent a message to Gaara as it pertains to the treaty signing." She said. "If it works, then we'll have a new treaty with Suna. If it doesn't, then all of you who had a part in banishing Naruto will be visiting Ibiki...after you get out of the hospital." It wasn't much longer before the meeting broke up, the civilians steering well clear of Tsunade.

As he was exiting the room, Danzo found Jiraiya's hand on his shoulder.

"Naruto asked me to give this to you personally." Danzo took the scroll with no small amount of suspicion. "I'd read that if I were you. You won't get anymore warnings."

888

Later in his office, Danzo could be indeed found reading the missive from the Kyuubi. The missive was short and to the point. If he came after the boy's family again, no force on this earth would stop Uzumaki from finding and killing him. Danzo knew that the boy would surely try, but he was unafraid. Doing so would mean the boy had to come back to Konoha, and that was something he seemed to be avoiding at all costs. Glancing down at the storage seal, Danzo grew admittedly curious. It was true that the boy could have set a trap, but as it was a warning, that was unlikely. Channeling some chakra to his hands, Danzo made the last mistake he ever would, and popped the seal. In the poof of smoke that issued from the seal, a ninjato emerged, and went straight through his neck, cleanly separating it from his head. Standing on top of the desk where the letter had been was Naruto holding Sai's sword. Making a swift henge, he turned into Danzo and left the office. Coming upon the first minion he found, he ordered the man to gather the troops.

Once the group was gathered, _Danzo_ began his speech.

"From time to time, there comes a day when one must act in the best interests of the village." _Danzo_ said. "Tsunade has failed in her duty to bring the Kyuubi back to the village, therefore it is time that we do what is best for the village. Tonight, Konoha shall be cleansed of those that would weaken the great tree." As _Danzo_ continued on in this vein for a few more minutes, he made his way to the center of the assembled army. "Tonight, Konoha will say its last goodbyes...to ROOT." Naruto activated the explosive tags wrapped around his torso. This in turn detonated the exploding clone henged as Danzo. The Anbu of ROOT had little time to react, most from the shock of the statement, and the suddenness of the attack.

888

The resulting explosion was heard all over the village. Many thought they were under attack, Tsunade one of them. It wasn't until she looked at the surprisingly calm Jiraiya, that she sat back down.

"Mind telling me what that was."

"That would be Naruto taking on a mission we couldn't without proof." Tsunade glared.

"What mission?"

"Why, getting rid of a few diseased roots, of course."

"What?!"

"Imagine an exploding clone wrapped up in a couple hundred exloding tags...that just so happened to be standing in the ROOT compound during a meeting." Tsunade smiled.

"Let me know the next time you go visit him." She said. "I think he deserves pay for an S-rank mission, don't you."

888

As for Naruto, a meeting with the leader of Akatsuki proved that Naruto's ability to make friends was indeed as powerful as any bloodline. What should have been an epic fight, turned out to be an intervention. It helped that Chikaru actually invited the man to lunch, the man had been oddly content afterwards. After leaving, Nagato finally sought out therapy to deal with his personal issues, and eventually got over his 20+ year depression at Yahiko's death. Nagato and Konan eventually married and disbanded Akatsuki.

On a side note, Nagato's utilization of six bodies got Chikaru's mind to whirring. Showing a bit of a perverted streak, she asked her husband if he'd mind using his Kage Bunshin one night. The result was that a couple months later Chikaru found herself spending her mornings pitched over a toilet. Poor Kushina also had a traumatizing experience as well. If she thought mommy and daddy naked hugging was icky, then the night that she walked in on six daddies naked hugging with mommy was something she really didn't want to see.

--------

**Waves of Pranks**

After defeating Zabuza and Haku, who both survive, Naruto finds a new friend in Haku. Naruto introduces her to pranking in an attempt to get her out of the funk she'd gotten in when she decided she was a useless tool. She soon finds that she likes it. One afternoo while goofing off, they end up in a tickle fight; Haku ending up on top of Naruto. In a moment of confusion and something she couldn't describe, Haku kisses Naruto. Naruto is shocked frozen in place when she sits back on his lap. Haku removes her top, and starts to unhook the bra she was wearing until she could replace her bindings.

"Wait Haku, I don't think that I'm old enough to be doing that yet." Naruto said. "Besides, these walls are kind of thin, everyone would hear us." It was after he said this that two pairs of eyes widened. The prank potential of that last statement was filling both their heads. So much so, that both missed being joined by Zabuza.

"Should I come back later?" He asked, half amused. Blushing, Haku replied.

"That will not be necessary."

"Good." He spat back as he went over to his pack.

"Uh, why am I not dead, again?" Naruto asked. "Not that I mind or anything."

"Haku is old enough to make her own decisions about sex, so long as it doesn't affect her capability." Zabuza smirked. "Besides, if you had been wrong, she'd have let you know...painfully."

"Oh, well in that case, wanna help us with a prank?" Naruto asked.

Several minutes later, an inwardly cackling Zabuza left the room, and headed down the stairs. He entered the living room muttering loudly about hormonal teenagers. This was promptly followed by Haku's loud cries of passion. Things like "Oh Kami, so good." "Fuck me harder!" "So big." YES!!!" and "Cumming!!!" could be heard echoing loudly throughout the house. The sound of the bed bouncing, and overworked mattress springs could also be heard amidst the screams of pleasure. A scandalized Tsunami swiftly sent Inari to the village as soon as the erotic cries began. She then marched up the stairs, and began banging on the locked door. Quietly snickering, Haku slipped from the bed, and shed her bra and pants. She didn't know why, but she felt oddly comfortable around Naruto, and didn't mind him seeing her so; even though Naruto's face turned a deep shade of red at seeing her nude top. Haku dipped her hands in the water pitcher on the small dresser, and ran them through her long hair, dampening it. She then wet her face, neck, and chest slightly to feign a light sweat, before wrapping a sheet around herself, and cracking the door open.

"Can we help you?" She asked. "We're kind of busy." Tsunami proceeded to make one of the most legendary mother hen stinks known to Wave about children being intimate so young. Haku just giggled, before pulling her into the room. Tsunami looked around the room, and saw Naruto sitting on the bed, still mostly dressed.

"What's going on?" She asked.

"We're not doing anything really." He said. "It's just a prank...you know, thin walls."

"I see." She replied, then let out a giggle. It was somewhat funny in hindsight, and she had been urging her father to have someone insulate the walls. "Wait Naruto-san, that's not ooohhhh!" Naruto and Haku gaped. "Well, come on, I can't do this by myself."

Soon the loud moans from two women of the blonde's prowess, echoed throughout the house. Haku's sudden loud cry of "I love Kage Bunshin" rang almost to the village. Down in the kitchen Zabuza was inwardly crying with laughter, and having to fight from it coming out. The reactions of the old man and the rest of Team 7 was absolutely priceless. Though the somewhat proud look on Kakashi's face annoyed him a bit.

Later after they trio came down, saw the reactions, and burst out laughing at the groups expense.

"Chill out, it was just a prank" Naruto said. Kakashi, he noticed, suddenly looked sad and a little disappointed.

"Oh," Sakura muttered, though she still sported a huge blush. The things she'd heard were actually starting to put odd thoughts of the blond in her head...especially in regards to a certain cloning jutsu. Sasuke just regained his superior, self-important look about him.

"Hn, figures." He drawled. "As if the Dobe could get, let alone satisfy, two women." Haku glared at thim.

"Just because it didn't happen this time doesn't mean it couldn't."

888

In Konoha, a certain white eyed kunoichi sneezed. As did the purple haired woman badgering her sensei for details of some date.

888

"I would not be opposed to sharing a bed with Naruto-kun myself." Sakura openly gaped at the young woman, and Kakashi smiled beneath his mask.

--------

**Arrogance and Suicide Go Hand in Hand**

Naruto he couldn't believe his luck as he made his way to the arena. He'd actually gotten paired against Sasuke the first match of the finals. He couldn't wait to try his new jutsu out. While technically it was a suicide jutsu, when combined with Kage Bunshin it opened up a few new possibilities. And it wsa at least good enough until Oji-san would let him learn Bunshin Bakuha.

Later...

"Okay dobe, time to get serious." Sasuke said.

"Couldn't agree more, teme." Naruto boasted. "And I'm gonna finish you with my new jutsu."

Naruto and Sasuke stood facing each other, both the worse for wear. The crowd was simply stunned, none moreso than Sasuke's biggest fangirls Sakura and Ino, that the dead last had not only been able to keep up with the Uchiha, but seemed to be evenly matched. The shinobi watching could tell that the Uchiha was better, his speed and skill level easily surpassed his opponent. The problem was, Naruto and his techniques packed a greater punch than the clan heir. Not only that, but his creativity and unpredictability seemed capable of fooling even the Sharingan; which the more experienced shinobi were disappointed to notice the Uchiha seemed to be relying an awful lot on.

Several dozen feet up, Naruto flew overhead, henged as a bird. He thought about letting one drop on the bastard's head, but thought better of it. It would draw attention to himself, and he needed Sasuke distracted for his plan to work. Besides, he could always do it later. It was his clones cry of horror that drug his attention from bird shitting on the bastard.

Several Moments Earlier...

Sasuke had glared at the blonde's statement. Who would have thought that actually learning the basics could have such a huge effect on the dobe's skill. While he knew it would be dangerous to let Naruto complete his jutsu, he knew it would be worth it later. If there was one thing he knew about Naruto, it was that the idiot had powerful jutsu. He'd already copied the Kage Bunshin for later. He'd been pissed that he couldn't even create one without suffering chakra exhaustion, but it would come in handy when he fought Itachi. He didn't know what this new jutsu was, but it was likely B-rank or above. He'd let the idiot do the jutsu, and copy it to use against Itachi later. As the blond began sealing though, Sasuke's Sharingan noticed that the jutsu didn't take nearly as much chakra as the clones. A wicked idea came to the Uchiha. Naruto was so sure that his jutsu would beat him, then what better way to put the dobe in his place than to use his own technique against him? With a smug smile plastered on his face, Sasuke began flashing through the copied seals.

Naruto had just finished his seals, and was about to charge, when he noticed Sasuke sealing. It was a moment later that he realized the seals he was using.

"Noooo," Naruto cried out, bit it was too late...for both he and the Uchiha. The clone had just enough time to see Sasuke finish the last seal before the jutsu took effect and he detonated.

The real Naruto was so shocked, he fell from the sky, having lost his concentration on the act. Naruto could see the markings indicating the ignition of the chakra pathways crawling up Sasuke's arm and down his legs. Naruto stared in disbelief. This wasn't supposed to happen. His clone was supposed to use the jutsu, and charge the Uchiha. He would detonate close enough to stun Sasuke, and he would drop down for the finisher. Unfortunately, Naruto couldn't have calculated Sasuke's overwhelming woody for power, or that he'd actually steal a comrade's jutsu. Then again, Sasuke did steal Lee's jutsu. Naruto could only watch in horror as the black lines stopped crawling, and Sasuke gripped his stomach, above his chakra core; the Uchiha's chakra pathways standing out in stark relief to his pale skin. Still, even as sad as he was at what he knew was coming, a small part of him felt betrayed that his best friend would steal his jutsu with the intention of using it on him. Less than a second after he bent forward in pain, the last "loyal" Uchiha exploded in a shower of blood and gore.

--------

**I'm a What?!**

We've all see the stories where Naruto finds out that he's really a girl after living 15 years of his life as a boy. What if the reverse happened.

Hitomi Uzumaki burst into the Hokage's office in a panic. Why you ask? It was because she had awaken that morning with an extra, extremely large, appendage between her legs. Now while admittedly she'd experimented with her friend Hinata, it had never appeared without a specific set of handseals preceding it.

"Obaachan you have to help me, I have a dick." Tsunade gave Hitomi a shocked look, before promptly fainting.

Several days, and numerous conniptions later...

"Hitomi-chan, you might want to sit down for this." The girl scowled at the Hokage. "Oh well, I warned you. Hitomi Uzumaki, you are not a female, but a male named Naruto Uzumaki." Rolling her eyes, Hitomi sighed.

"You mean this isn't a temporary side effect from using that jutsu?" Hitomi asked, worried.

"Afraid not." Tsunade said. "I found Sensei's old notes last night. It was a combination of a seal and a henge that was scheduled to break when the seal finally absorbs the Kyuubi's power. The problem is, he wasn't expecting it to happen before you turned eighteen, nor was he really expecting not to be here to explain things to you."

"But why?" She asked.

"Because sweet innocent girls are naturally treated better than rough and tumble boys are." Tsunade said. "And while I can't completely fault sensei's logic, it seemed a little shaky to me too."

Hitomi suddenly got angry. After living as a girl for fifteen years, she was being told that the single worst day in her life didn't have to happen. Now contrary to popular belief, she had not been raped as a child by a vengeful villager, or at any point in her life, although there was that one close call when she'd gotten drunk after her first kill. No, the event Hitomi was referring to, was the day she started her first period. For four years she'd had to deal with that monthly hell, and now she was being told that it hadn't had to happen. This of course brought about some other questions that she felt needed to be answered.

"Quick question, how the hell did they hide this?" The young woman asked gripping the rather appendage now dangling between her legs. "Henge only uses chakra to cast a Genjutsu to change an appearance, it doesn't make physical changes. From what I saw and felt, this thing is pretty fucking huge, and would have been almost impossible to hide. Not to mention all the periods I've had. How the hell did they pull that off?" Tsunade gave her a meaningful look.

"As a medic, I can honestly tell you that there are some things you're better off not knowing." Hitomi sighed. Her obaachan hadn't steered her wrong before.

"I guess this explains my attraction to girls." Hitomi said. "So how long before I'm completely a boy?" Hitomi asked. Tsunade was about to respond that she didn't know, when Hitomi was engulfed in a poof of smoke. "I guess that answers that question. Great, now I have to go shopping for all new clothes."

--------

**Silly Drabble 4**

AU: The Hyuuga and Uchiha have always had a sort of rivalry going on behind the scenes. This rivalry is about to spill out into the open, when the heiresses of both clans set their sights on a certain blond. Uchiha massacre happened, but not the same as in the series. Several Clan members, especially the Uchiha Council, had made overtures to either secure the demon for a weapon, or have it discreetly disposed of. When the Council sent Shisui to do the deed, Fugaku sent Itachi to stop the attempt. Outraged, the Council attempted a coup de etat to take control of the clan. Mikoto, took the civilian members of the clan to the safety barracks under the Uchiha District, while her son and husband would lead the other shinobi of the clan in defending against the attempted takeover. Only a dozen or so Uchiha shinobi survived the civil war, among them Itachi. Sasuke Uchiha was born with a twin, Mikura Uchiha. Ino and Sakura are still rivals for Sasuke's affection. They also have a threeway rivalry with Mikura whose not only much closer to their crush (his twin who he dotes on), but makes their ninja abilities seem like wastes of time. Itachi's team is Mikura, Hinata, and Naruto.

Hinata and Mikura like Naruto because he's everyting their clans, and most Konoha residents, aren't. Fun, outgoing, friendly, helpful, nice, gentle, shows feeling, doesn't seem to have a Mokuton tree shoved up his ass, isn't obsessed with a bloodline, and doesn't worship bloodlines, doesn't respect someone just because of bloodline or clan status, and doesn't take crap from anyone.

Naruto and Sasuke have something to bond over, although it would be kind of awkward at first, since it's his twin sister that's half of the cause of Naruto's situation; and since I am in control of this world, the Uchiha are not complete douches

Sasuke is to Sakura and Ino; what Naruto is to Hinata and Sasuke's twin sister

possibly 2 harems in the future, but mostly two chronic eye twitches; at least Naruto's girls take being shinobi seriously (and Hinata's not a complete wall flower because her rivalry with Mikura. As a result, Hiashi is a very doting father.

in the end, there are only a handfull of Uchiha left, because some of the civies were with the council as well, and Mikoto had to go mother bear on a bitch

Mikoto was once the strongest Uchiha before she settled into maternity after having Itachi, and easily had the strongest Sharingan until Itachi got the Mangekyo (no Madara). she could actually use Amaterasu without the next level

I also decided to punish Itachi for his poorly thought out plan in canon; his genin team will consist of his baby sister, her crush, and her rival;when he gets the news, it's the first time he shows emotion since he was young; he cries, then the next day, he curses loud, long, and hard

He sits curled up in his mother's lap (regardless of the fact that he's taller than she is now) and cries shen he finds out.

mikoto: there there, Itachi-kun, it's not so bad.

itachi: but mother, it's mikura and hinata on the same team. then to make matters worse, naruto is my third Genin, he'll be there for them to fight over even more

sasuke laughs..."Take that for always poking me in the forehead"

until he finds out he's on the first four man team

and both Sakura and Ino are on it with him

itachi: *smug grin*

and their sensei is Anko

itachi: *grins harder*

the fourth teamate; maybe Kiba, give him something to laugh at, and you know Kiba will antagonize the hell out of him

besides, I like the potential that a ShinoShikaCho squad would make

"Look Hanabi," Naruto sighed. "As adorable as you are, you're just not my type."

"Of course I am," She exclaimed. "I'm a Hyuuga."

"Yeah, and you're also arrogant, six, and all of an inch high." Hanabi bristled, and began a five minute diatribe about all of her most winning attributes...none of which impressed the blond.

"Yeah, listher Tiny Tot," Naruto said. "Maybe when you grow up, someone will take notice, but I'm not interested. Besides, if I were going to date a Hyuuga, it would be your sister, not you." Hanabi's face became a mask of fury; she still had some work to do on the cold, stoic mask front. Blind with rage, she tried to bodily tackle the blond...all 28.9 kg of her. I say tried, because as soon as she took a step, she was hoisted into the air by the back of her shirt. Standing there with an annoyed expression on his face was Itachi Uchiha.

"Naruto, you've already got Hinata and mys sister fighting over you," He sighed. "Please do not add to my headache." Creating a Shadow Clone, and handing the chibi off, Itachi beaconed his Genin. "Let's go, we have a mission." Naruto groaned. He hated D-rank missions.

--------

This drabble and the next aren't really story ideas, but simple observations.

The reason why I have lost any and all possible respect I have had for Sasuke Uchiha.

First of all, a complete stranger comes along, tells Sasuke he's his ancestor (one who should be lond dead by now), and he just believes everything the man tells him. Really, and this is the guy they called a genius. Given some of the people called geniuses in Naruto, I'd feel insulted if someone called me that. This is why I have done a pictoral version to show just how far your favorite Uchiha has fallen. Replace (DOT) with a period.

He ran away from...

her- http://fc05 (DOT) deviantart (DOT) net/fs20/f/2007/250/9/3/Haruno_Sakura_by_patrikh88 (DOT) jpg

and...

her- http://fc02 (DOT) deviantart (DOT) com/fs10/f/2006/327/9/6/Yamanaka_Ino_by_SasoriSama (DOT) jpg

for...

him- http://4 (DOT) bp (DOT) blogspot (DOT) com/_J9lpdwFj3LU/R06yobUWmlI/AAAAAAAAAEE/h2dhRxY2-rs/s1600/orochimaru (DOT) jpg

Then on top of that he killed a sexy ass girl like...

her- http://farm2 (DOT) static (DOT) flickr (DOT) com/1079/1341080085_1487fb51da (DOT) jpg

just so he could have revenge on...

them- http://www (DOT) onemanga (DOT) com/Naruto/140/03/ scroll down

They're like old as hell. They don't have much time left as it is, is it really necessary to hunt them down and kill them. What's worse, is that super hottie with glasses was practically throwing herself at him, and he didn't even flinch.

he literally could have had...

this- http://fc03 (DOT) deviantart (DOT) com/fs19/f/2007/256/7/5/Sakura_and_Karin_friends_by_SabakuNoMay (DOT) jpg

and gave it up for...

this- http://www (DOT) mirage-team (DOT) com/medias/Fanarts/164_tobi_akatsuki (DOT) jpg

Now, I don't want to offend all of you Sasuke fanboys/girls by calling him dumb as dogshit as well as gay (although the yaio fangirls might cream themselves over that one), but canon hasn't made much of an argument to the contrary. How the hell is he supposed to revive his clan if he kills, tries to kill, or runs away from few moronic women who still want in his pants? Is he so full of himself that he thinks he can do that by himself too?

--------

**Ways You Can Tell the Main Couple in Lemon Fanfiction**

1. Couple can have unprotected sex and not worry about consequences.

-no matter how many times he cums inside her without any protection, she won't get pregnant unless it's part of the plotline

-even if they use protection, it's always a conveniont jutsu, spell, herbal regiment, special ability or power, genetic gift, etc.

-STD's either don't exist, are easily cured, or are only caught by characters the author doesn't like

a. if one of the main characters does catch one, it's always gotten from the aforementioned characters, and used as a ploy to make that individual even more universally disliked by everyone in that story

2. Sex between the main couple is always good.

-even if neither participant has any experience, they have prodigious talent that carries the day

-even if the girl has no experience or preparation, she can still take a 16 in. cock down her throat, in her vagina, or up her rectum with ease, and mostly no pain. She sometimes even cums from being so suddenly stretched

-the girl sometimes either starts the sexual encounter so turned on that she's on a hair trigger, or the male is so good that she eventually ends up on one anyway

3. Everyone loves to share.

-harems for the main characters are always peaceful

-the members in the harem, even if previously (and vehemently) hetero, will suddenly discover they are bi for their harem mates

-none of the members have a problem or care with being just one of many

4. It only takes one time.

-the pair only need a single kiss, failing that one passionate night together, to realize that they've found THE ONE

5. True love conquers all.

-even if they can't be together right away, or are separated, they always find their way back to each other, and end up together

6. Odd support bases.

-everyone supports the couple except the villain, her family, or some evil stalker crush/evil psychotic ex

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Not as many drabbles this time, because some of these are longer than the others in chapter one. Not as much humor either. Don't worry, next chapter will be better, I'll try to bring the funny back as well.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the following premises that the Naruto characters find themselves in. And to be honest, I'm not even sure I own that.

As I said before, if you find a drabble in this slew of stupidity that you want to expand on, then by all means have at it. Seeing how other people change and pervert my ideas is a lot more fun, and admittedly less stressful, than perverting said ideas myself.

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**Silly Drabble 5**

Have you ever wondered why neither Nawaki or Tsunade ever followed in their grandfather or great uncle's footsteps techniquewise like many other children from clans are prone to do? It's because before he became Hokage and matured, Tobirama was a fucking clown. As a prank, he hid the family scroll that he and his brother had created (the ones where they imprinted a piece of themselves into it to teach future clan members), and then forgot where he hid it.

Fastforward a few decades later...

A young blond is running from a group of Anbu. No, they aren't drunk, and no they don't want to kill him. They really shouldn't even be chasing the boy, especially since he was only being brought to the Hokage about a recent string of pranks that had his name on them. The D-rank the Hokage had pegged capturing Naruto would be had been quickly bumped up to C-rank after several Genin had been sent home either traumatized or crying. It had been bumped up to B-rank when the more experienced Genin kept finding themselves pranked in the midst of the chase. It remained a B-rank mission until Naruto started the Shinobi Academy. It was bumped up to A-rank when the Chuunin sent out after him had been run in a circle for an hour, then embarrassed to all hell when they found themselves rounded up into one massive spider web of traps the boy had had time to stop and set up. Shortly after Naruto's twelth birthday it officially became an S-rank Anbu operation. When the team of Jounin sent after the boy had been found in an alley shaking, and holding onto each other for emotional support, the Hokage decided that it was time for Anbu. Little did they know that in just three weeks time, they too would fall prey to the talentedly (1) evasive blond.

Anyway, the young blond was running, because the longer he could keep away, the longer it would be before he had to help clean up. Naruto ducked down an alley in the clan district, and ran to the end, before slipping through the hole in the fence. When he got through, he found a large dilapidated building with a cat flap in the door. He knew that if he could get into the building, he could hide out for a bit. Why the Anbu never used their ability to sense chakra to search him out, he didn't know, but he wasn't going to let that fact go to waste. Finding an open window, he climbed through. Walking around the small home, he began to look explore the building he'd found. It was in searching a room that resembled his own living room, the he happened upon a loose floorboard. How it was discovered, was Naruto's foot going through the wood. Pulling his foot out, he discovered a scroll sitting there. Being naturally curious, Naruto picked it up and was surprised when it opened. Inside, he found what appeared to be a letter.

_To Whom It Concerns_

_I am Hashirama Senju, and my brother and I felt it prudent to make sure that our clan's techniques survive us. We have sealed into this scroll the means to pass down this information, all one needs to do is place a bit of blood on the seals. If you are part of our family, then the seals should activate. If you are not, then the seal will disappear until such time as one of our family opens this. However, if the seal finds you worthy, then parts the rest of the scroll should reveal itself to you. Here you will find a few of our training methods. May they help you to further fan the Will of Fire._

_Hashirama Senju_

Shrugging, Naruto used his sharper than normal canines to draw blood on his thumb, before smearing some blood on the seal. There was a bright flash, one that Naruto thought was really cool, as the seals glowed. When the flash of light disappeared, the two seals on the scroll were gone. Naruto was disappointed when the seal disappeared, and nothing happened, but was at least mollified when the training methods mentioned appeared. Deciding to ignore both the occurence and the sudden headache he now had, Naruto continued to read.

888

"Welcome to my domain mort-GASP..." In a sudden swirl of chakra and smoke, the giant fox disappeared, and a leggy redhead, with an amazing figure, especially in the bust, and a Kimono that was just on the proper side of decent appeared. She in turn glomped the former Shodai Hokage while cheering.

"Hashi-kun, you came for me!!!" The man's brother gained a twitch under the eye.

"I knew there was something going on between you two." Tobirama said. "You said you wanted to keep the strongest biju for yourself to keep things even. Bullshit, you wanted to keep her cuz you were fuckin her." His eyes widened in sudden understanding. "So that time I caught you two and Nibi together wasn't a drunken hallucination." Ignoring his brother for the moment, Hashirama turned to the uber sexy kitsune.

"Okay, I know how we got in here, but how did you get in here Kyuubi-chan?" He asked.

"Madara-teme used his creepy eyes to force me to attack Konoha again." She said, pouting. "Then this really handsome blond wearing your old robes used a jutsu that sealed me in his kid. He died doing the seal, but I can sense a portion of him in here just like you. By the way, did Tobirama-kun ever have any kids other than the one we know of? That blondie kinda looked like him, only his hair was wilder and spikier, and his bangs went to his chin." Hashirama glared at his brother.

"Please tell me you didn't do what I think you did." He scolded.

"I did not have sexual relations with Lady Namikaze." Tobirama stated proudly. '_It was her sister, daughter, and neice._' Outloud he said. "You know I don't mess with married women; especially not after...ahem...that." Kyuubi grinned.

"By the way, that brat of yours ended up being one of Monkey-chan's students." She said.

"Really? Bitchin." Tobi replied. "Now, you said the guy that sealed you is in here too, right." Kyuubi nodded. "Well, let's go see if we can't find him. Get some info, maybe see about fixing this place up. I mean seriously, a sewer."

"You go on, and I'll join you later." Hashirama said. "Kyuubi-chan and I have some catching up to do." When the sexy kitsune blushed, and his brother smirked, the former Shodai twitched. "Not like that, you manwhore." Though everyone knew he was at least partially lying. As he headed off down the only exit in the room, Tobirama tossed back over his shoulder.

"Tch, you're just as big a whore as I am. You just chose to settle down."

888

1. Yeah, I know it's not a word, so what.

888

For those who are curious, in this story, Naruto is indeed related to the First, Second, Jiraiya, and Tsunade. Here's a bit of genealogy.

Hashirama and a Senju woman

Non-relevant Son

Nawaki and Tsunade

Tobirama and Mrs. Tachibana nee Hatake (Her younger sister would give birth to Sakumo Hatake a few years later)

Jiraiya

Tobirama and Lady Namikaze's sister

Daughter

Jiraiya and the aforementioned daughter (no he didn't know it was his sister; though as hot as she was, do you really think that would have stopped him)

Minato (Jiraiya was never told that Minato was his)

Minato and Kushina

Naruto

Going back over some of my old stuff, I found an old plot idea that could go with this.

You know what would be totally messed up, is if Minato was like Tobirama's grandson, resulting from a child that came from an affair that he never knew produced a child. Then Kushina was a descendent of a fling that Hiruzen had while away from Konoha during one of the wars; perhaps with a kunoichi from Whirlpool Country. Then through some wild twist of fate, one of the doctors doing a routine checkup on Naruto (likely Shizune to make it more humorous), finds a discrepancy with Naruto's blood work. She finds that he has a partial genetic match to all five of the village's Hokage. Oh the chaos that could cause. Now I'm not one to pimp out my story ideas, but I would be very grateful if someone were to take this up. It's a comedy just waiting to happen.

--------

**Naruto interrupts Kakashi's introduction of the team to Zabuza on the bridge.**

"I can't have you underestimating my team by calling them 'brats'." Kakashi said. "Sasuke is Leaf's #1 Rookie. Sakura is the brightest in the village..."

"I call bullshit." A voice said next to the Jounin. "Naruto...what do you mean?" He was also wanting to know how the blond snuck up on him, but letting Zabuza know that he'd been caught unawares would be a bad thing.

"You said Sakura is the brightest in the village, I call bullshit." He said again. "If she were the brightest, she would have realized long ago that Sasuke doesn't have any romantic interest in her. If she was the brightest, she would realize that doing the bare minimum in training and having nothing in her arsenal but the academy basics won't cut it. If she were the brightest, she'd have realized that real kunoichi don't diet to keep their figures, they train to keep in shape. If she was really the brightest, she'd realize that being a ninja, and not wanting to get dirty were an oxy-fucking-moron; or were you playing deaf that particular day sensei." The girl growled, stomped over, and took a swing at Naruto; missing when he ducked. "And if she were really the brightest, she wouldn't have let her anger get so ahead of her, that she'd leave the client unprotected to attack and possibly injure a teammate in a hostile environment, and especially against a foe like Zabuza and his partner." Zabuza couldn't help but snicker at that.

"Kid's got a point Kakashi." He then addressed the blond. "Hey kid, you want to join us? No abusive teammates over here."

"You know, Haku is really, really pretty." Both Nuke-nin and apprentice gave the boy strange looks. Haku, because they were wondering how he'd figured out who he was. Zabuza on the other hand was wierded out because he had to grudgingly admit, no matter how much it disturbed him to do so, that the boy was right. "If he had been a girl, I'd have probably given your offer some serious consideration. But since he's got the same dangling junk that I do, I'll have to pass. Besides, there's a girl back home that has a crush on me. I think I'll give her a chance instead of wasting my time on Sakura. It doesn't hurt that she's already got a C-cup at twelve."

"That's a girl?" Zabuza finally found his voice. "I thought it was just a really effiminate boy, like Haku."

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**Worst Job Ever**

My life sucks. I'm overworked, underpaid, and I'm in love with a woman I can't have. My bosses are a psycho with a god complex whose seriously overcompensating for something, and a mask wearing geriactric with MPD. I have to deal with the many injuries and ailments of a bunch of S-class drama queens. And worst yet, now I have to deal with the Queen of Emo Angst, Sasuke Uchiha and the creepy, albeit quite attractive, molester he brought with him. Who am I? I am unfortunately the doctor for the Akatsuki Organization.

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**Silly Drabble 6**

Hinata spends the night helping Naruto break in his new apartment. The entire village finds out that shy, quiet Hinata, is a screamer. What they'd done the night before is made even more obvious by the fact that Naruto carries her back to the Hyuuga compound bridal style. There's also the small fact that she's wearing some of Naruto's clothes (her shirt and wraps having been destroyed in the erotic frenzy), has that freshly, and thoroughly, fucked aura about her and she walks with a noticable limp when Naruto finally sets her down. They are met at the gate by Hiashi and the Hyuuga elders.

"Hiashi, she has defiled herself with that...boy." The elder spat. "She has dishonored herself and this clan for the last time. The clan bylaws are very clear about what must be done. You will deal with her, and instate Hanabi as the primary heir to Clan Head." Hinata's face fell. She knew exactly what happened to dishonored Hyuuga. Even the Branch family pitied them.

"What would you have me do?" Hiashi asked, angrily. He knew the first thing they wanted him to do, but he refused to do so, as he'd done with his youngest for nine years.

"You know what must be done." The elder said. Hiashi nearly growled, but was beaten to it by the blond haired young man standing next to his daughter. It was then that a most devious plan formed in his head. One that would have done the boy proud, and one that meant he had to force a devious smirk from crossing his features.

"Very well," He started, turning to his daughter. "Hinata, you have dishonored this clan for the last time. As you have proven yourself unfit to lead this clan, I have no choice but to name your sister next in line. Furthermore, you have proven that you lack what it takes to be a Main House Hyuuga, and I am forced to rectify this...insult." He could hear the low growl coming from the young man, and knew that he was about an insult away from his clan going the way of the Uchiha. Aside from his daughters, Neji, and a few others, he was almost tempted to say it would be worth it. Still, he refrained from doing so. Turning to the young man who could probably wipe out their clan, and barely break a sweat doing it, he spat. "Uzumaki...she's your problem now. You have an hour to retrieve her things, and leave the compound." It took Hinata a moment before she realized what had just happened. While he had technically removed her from the clan, he had also unofficially given her his blessing in regards to her relationship with Naruto. Hugging her father, she ran inside to began packing her belongings.

"Hiashi!" One of the old geezers screamed.

"If I were you, I'd quit while I was ahead." Naruto growled.

"Who asked you?" The man spat. Deciding to do something he hadn't done ever, Naruto released the entirety of his intimidating aura. With his own impressive chakra, the Kyuubi, as well as the Sage Powers, it was a wonder the man didn't drop dead of a heart attack. Now normally that kind of action would have brought every shinobi in the village to the point of origin, but Konoha ninja knew that if Naruto was releasing that kind of power, they'd likely just be getting in the way if they tried to help. Still, a squad of Anbu was dispatched, just in case.

"You should remember that Hiashi isn't the only person you've pissed off today." Glaring right into the man's eyes, Naruto continued. "And unlike Hiashi, I'm far less capable of being so coldly detached to people hurting my loved ones." Naruto created several dozen clones, and went to help Hinata gather her things.

As Hiashi left the elders to stew in their fear, he couldn't help leaving with a parting shot. "I just thought you should know. Hanabi adores her sister, and I can almost guarantee that she will make you pay dearly for what you just did."

And pay dearly, they did. The first thing that Hanabi did when she took over the clan, was strip the Council of all power within the clan. After that, she began implimenting all the changes that she'd heard her sister making plans for; most notably the removal of the Caged Bird Seal, and outlawing it. As we all know, the Hyuuga Council is a stubborn lot, and wouldn't have taken this sitting down. Now, you may be wondering how it was that Hanabi was able to do what she did. Well first, she had the support of the entire branch family, and a good majority of the main as well; considering everyone liked Hinata just because of who she was as a person, and she treated everyone equally and as equals. The second, and likely most important reason, is the person she brought along for the meeting. As soon as she'd laid down the law, she told them that if they had a problem with the new direction the clan was going, they could take it up with her enforcer. And just who was this enforcer? Why, the blond hair, blue eyed man standing against the wall smirking almost evilly from under the Hokage's hat. It didn't help that his sinister chuckle could be heard echoing around the room. The looks of pure terror on the old bats' faces was totally worth the scolding he was sure to get from his wife that night.

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**Silly Drabble 7**

As Itachi began week 7 of his self imposed year long community service, we find three of his new co-workers in quite precarious positions. Having had nothing better to do that day, they'd decided to tag along. Now they were sorely wishing they'd just stayed back at the base and played pictionary with the leader. Why you ask, because they had witnessed that day, something that would haunt their dreams for weeks to come. Itachi Uchiha, admitted mass murderer, had spent the day in a civilian daycare, playing with little children as if he did it all the time. As they watched the young prodigy, who was currently in the midst of storytime, regail the children with the story of how he'd slaughtered his clan, the three older men couldn't help but feel worried.

"Is anyone else just a bit disturbed that he's telling a bunch of children how he murdered his family?" Kisame asked, worried at the fact that Itachi had been named his partner.

"Actually, I think I'm more disturbed by the fact that the brats aren't the least bit horrified by the story, and seem to be enjoying it." Sasori replied.

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**Silly Drabble 8**

Takes place when Itachi and Naruto are talking during the find Itachi arc.

"You're not a child anymore, Naruto. You can't beat your problems, especially the Akatsuki with pranks." Naruto's eyes flashed.

"Oh really." Naruto said, a sinister smile playing across his lips. "We'll see about that." Itachi, paled as Naruto disappeared.

"Oh god, what have I just unleashed on them?" A sudden, thoughtful look then crossed his features. What had he unleashed indeed? Maybe he'd put off his meeting with Sasuke for just a little while, if only to see what kind of hell the blond let loose. It **had** been one of the things he'd missed after leaving Konoha.

Weeks later...

Four rather frazzled looking Nuke-nin were sitting in a cave afraid not for their lives, but for their sanity. Two of them, long time friends, were clutching each other for mental and psychological support. A certain blue skinned man had a nervous twitch about him, one that had him looking up at every little sound that echoed around them. Zetsu was now among the deceased, a result of Tobi/Madara finally losing his mind. The supposed immortal was now sitting in a corner of the cave rocking back and forth, smoking the remains of Zetsu, and repeating two phrases.

"Tobi is sorry." "Tobi is a good boy."

A certain red eyed ninja from the leaf sat inwardly cackling (after all Itachi Uchiha didn't show emotion) at what should have been several fearsome shinobi. He'd known Naruto could be devious, and sinister, but he'd never known the gaki had it in him to reduce someone like Pein, Madara, or Kisame to twitching, scared wrecks. It would seem that Deidara, Kakuzu, Sasori, and Hidan were the lucky ones after all. Itachi gave a minute smirk, before turning to leave. It was time to head home and see what Naruto had cooked up for the big finish.

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**What if...**

Naruto is still tricked by Mizuki, but it was for a different reason, for a different master, and for a far more intersting scroll. The Yondaime's personal scroll. Ironically enough, the Kage Bunshin is still on that scroll.

"You will go to the cross on this map I have here. You will enter that building and inside there will be lots of rooms, you will find the master bedroom and inside that room there will be a chest. Inside the chest will be many things a ninja wants. But to prove your loyalty you can only choose one. There will be a scroll in the chest with a yellow lightning on it. That scroll will help you graduate."

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**Silly Drabble 9**

The premise is that Shino was scheduled to face Sasuke in his first finals match.

The crowd stood stunned as the last Uchiha suddenly crumbled to the ground in front of his opponent. How had the Aburame, who had been an underdog given his bug's weakness against fire, beaten the Uchiha. Well, it was a combination of things. Superior training, intellect, and analytical skills. Not to mention, he'd planned ahead much better than the Uchiha had. Creating that bug clone had been a good idea, because as soon as Sasuke went for that punch, he'd been swarmed.

"How, how did you beat my Sharingan?" Sasuke asked. Up in the Kge booth, Orochimaru was listening intently. It wouldn't do to be caught with such a major flaw to be exploited.

"While I will admit that in the hands of a real shinobi, the Sharingan is a very useful tool, the fact remains that in the hands of an Uchiha it is nothing but a cheap way to gain power. Copying an enemies techniques and providing valuable information to help your village is one thing...stealing jutsu from comrades and using them as if they were your own is another; and not something you should not be praised for, and yes I'm referring to the shadowing technique you stole from Lee." As it happened, Team 7 wasn't the only team to witness Sasuke's embarrassing defeat. "If you are too lazy to put in the work to learn a technique, then you do not deserve the power the technique affords you." Everyone was shocked. That was the most they had ever heard Shino say at once. "I beat you simply because you didn't prepare properly, and depended too much on your eyes to carry you through."

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**Naruto's Secret Bloodline**

This idea comes from the second to last paragraph of the first chapter of a story called Time Mixup. It's pretty good so far, so you may want to give it a read. Anyway, I'm beginning to think that Naruto may have a secret, never before seen bloodline that allows him to make friends with just about anyone.

Naruto gets locked in a room with Danzo for several hours. Danzo grins, seeing this as his chance to convince, and gain control over the Jinchuuriki for his own use. Unfortunately, he underestimates the blond as every one else does.

One omega application of Therapy Jutsu later...

Half an hour after the room was unlocked, we find Danzo standing in front of his entire Root Force (those not on missions currently).

"Tomorrow morning, you will all report to Tsunade for new orders." He said. Without another word, he went to his office, and activated a seal on his desk. The next morning, when Tsunade entered her office, she found it filled with files. On her desk was a note, written surprisingly by Danzo.

_Tsunade_

_Well played, hime. It would seem that I have grossly underestimated what Sarutobi always talked about. It is time that I did my part to help this great tree grow, instead of contaminating its roots._

_Danzo_

Tsunade was of course shocked, but she wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, that's for sure.

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**Silly Drabble 10**

What if Zabuza had a different reaction to Naruto's name? Inspired by chapter 10 of Time Mixup (hella funny, and worth the read).

Seeing Sasuke in trouble, Sakura threw a kunai at the mysterious ninja. Her hope turned to horror when the boy merely stuck a hand out, and caught the kunai as if it was nothing.

"H-he blocked it." She said in disbelief. As he half hung out of a mirror, Haku felt an incoming projectile coming towards his head. He lifted his head to dodge, but it cost him his balance, and he fell from the mirror. Suddenly, an explosion rocked the bridge, that gathered everyone's attention. Standing there was a spikey hair blond, in an orange jumpsuit.

"Naruto Uzumaki has finally arrived!" Zabuza's head snapped to Kakashi so fast, you'd have thought his neck would break.

"What did he say his name was?" He asked, deadly serious.

"Naruto Uzumaki." Kakashi repeated, wondering what so scary about his student. He was pretty sure that Naruto hadn't made a name for himself in the shinobi world, and the only thing really scary about him was the fox and his ability to abuse Kage Bunshin. Zabuza's eyes went wide in fear, further confusing Kakashi.

"Fuck, HAKU!" He screamed, and the boy appeared next to him in an instant. "As of right now, we are no longer enemies of the Konoha nin, we are allies." Kakashi just stared at the man dumbfounded.

"Uhh, what?"

"In Mist, we grow up hearing horror stories of shinobi who have encountered enemy ninja from that clan." Zabuza spoke. "Standing order in the Kiri ranks is to flee on sight if you ever find yourself facing anyone from that clan. There's a story about the Nidaime Mizukage that is still told to all prospective Genin, even after the clan perished with Whirlpool Country." Kakashi raised an amused eye. Having known both Naruto and his mother, he was definitely going to have to here this.

"Is that so?" Kakashi asked. "Do tell."

"The story tells that the Nidaime Mizukage ordered the execution of a traveling merchant from the clan who was on his way home because he wouldn't part with soomething that the Mizukage wished to possess. The item varies with each telling, but you get the gist. The story goes that he was attacked by the newly created Shinobigatana, who were told to acquire the item at any cost, and they were all killed in the attempt. The merchant added insult to injury by selling the swords back to the village for a substantial profit." Zabuza shuddered, thinking of other stories that his own sensei, and his Anbu Captain (who'd lost three limbs to an unknown Uzumaki woman with red hair) had told him. "I don't care if that brat is a Genin or not, I've heard too much crap about that clan having all kinds of weird powers and abilities to risk it." Kakashi thought about that for a moment.

"Well, he does have the Kyuubi sealed inside him, so I guess that counts." He muttered, but Zabuza heard him, and paled further.

Haku, who was only half listening felt something poking at the back of his mind. It was like a memory that he'd long since let go, was trying to make a reappearance. It was at this time, that he remembered something his mother had told him as a child. '_If you ever meet an Uzumaki, preferably of the opposite sex, be sure to do whatever you can to marry them. It will be the best decision you ever make. You may also want to prepare yourself before the wedding night. The Uzumaki have a weird obsession with sticking things up people's rear ends, and there's no telling if that translates to the bedroom._' Haku suddenly disappeared from Zabuza's side, and reappeared in front of Naruto.

"I lied." She said. "I'm not really a boy." Haku removed her mask, grabbed Naruto by the face, and kissed him heartily. Sasuke's head fell to the ground in silent thanks, and somewhat annoyance.

"Only Naruto..." He grunted. "Only that idiot could be so lucky."

"I don't know how much truth there is to the rumor," Zabuza whispered to Kakashi, not even noticing his tool's actions. "But some say that the Uzumaki was a clan blessed by the Rikudou Sennin. They were a clan of 'Natural Shinobi', who could, in times of grief, and especially in protection of others, draw on the mysterious blessing from the mythical figure. It grants them incredible power, deep wells of chakra, and while in battle, a natural talent for the ninja arts and tactics." That got Kakashi to thinking. Naruto was surprisingly strong, that had been proven during the bell test. He should have been able to power out of any hold a Genin could put on him, but he'd been forced to use the Kawarimi to escape. He also had an incredibly deep well of chakra. The way he threw around Kage Bunshin shouldn't have been possible, although that could be a result of his being a Jinchuuriki. The last part though, was what had him considering the impossible. Both in the bell test, and during that first confrontation with Zabuza, Naruto's plans had shown an incredible amount of tactical brilliance for someone so normally slow. This would require some looking into.

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**Silly Drabble 11**

While Anko and Naruto engaged in their duel of dirty dialogue, no one seemed to notice the effect it was having on a certain heiress. As the two kept going and going, Hinata was becoming progressively redder. At the same time, the crimson drip from her nose was also growing progressively larger, until a final comment was too much.

"Oh yeah, well let's put my penis where your mouth is, and see you back it up." Naruto shouted. "Wait...I mean." Naruto never got to say what he meant, because Hinata rocketed backwards, spraying everything in red.

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**Silly Drabble 12**

As Kiba was leaving his team's training session, passing another seldom used training area, he caught the most amazing scent floating in the air. Following it, he ended up in the training ground, where Naruto was doing battle with several versions of himself. Following the scent to the blond that had the strongest scent, Kibe inhaled deeply and groaned.

"Smell good, don't I?" Naruto asked with a grin. "Pheromones, side effect of absorbing the giant flea motel." Taking another deep whiff, Kiba smirked.

"Dude, unless you intend to get raped by every woman in my family, I'd suggest avoiding the Inuzuka Clan home until you can suppress that."

"You say that like it would be a bad thing." Naruto quipped, causing Kiba to go green.

-ending to the Naruto Kiba Drabble

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**Silly Drabble 13**

Getting over Sakura in a most unorthodox manner...or Bad Advice From Jiraiya That Actually Works Out For Naruto

"Hey Hinata, can I perv on you a little bit?" Naruto asked. Had he asked anyone else, his question would have likely been met with violence. For Hinata, shock that Naruto was speaking to her, her normal, usually futile, attempt to stay awake in his presence, and a shocked giddiness that her Naruto-kun wanted to think those kinds of thoughts about her had Hinata stunned silent.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to peep on you or anything, but Ero-Sennin said that thinking slightly naughty thoughts," Jiraiya hadn't said slightly. "About another girl you think is pretty will help you get over girls you're better off letting go." Inner Hinata did a jig as she correctly surmised that Naruto was finally moving on from Sakura, and had chosen her as a possible replacement candidate for his affections. Okay, so she was right about the first part, and the second was just wishful thinking that was only somewhat possible; he had implied he thought she was pretty after all. Face redder than a very red object, Hinata nodded. "Thanks Hinata. And to be fair, you can perv on me too if you want, though I doubt you'd want to."

And just like that, there was a shift in the cosmos. For years Hinata had argued with herself about how wrong it would be to use her Byakugan to peep on Naruto, and she had just been given free reign to do so. A strange glint formed in her eyes as Hinata's Inner Pervert was unleashed. It was free to hunt, and it was obvious who it had set its sights on. Let's just say he had black hair, and a Sharing-

888

"What the hell are you doing on my computer?!" The author yelled, returning from the restroom.

"Nothing." A gorgeous, pink haired woman said, her face the picture of innocence; NOT. Not believing the innocent act for a second, he yelled.

"Sakura, your Inner Perv is making trouble again." Author glared. Sakura appeared looking harried.

"What did she do this time?"

"She tried to perform blasphemy by changing a Naru/Hin fic into a Sas/Hin so that you could have Naruto." Sakura cringed, before dragging the sexy woman away; all the while nagging about how she was in love with Sasuke. The pink haired woman was paying about as much attention to the girl as the Uchiha normally did. The author couldn't help but marvel at the differences between the two. One was fanart sexy, the other looked like an effiminate 12 year old boy. One stalked Naruto as much as Hinata, the other Sasuke. It was obvious where Sakura's true intelligence was stored. It certainly explained all the "Clueless Sakura" bashing, and why the girl seemed to lack common sense in those stories.

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**Silly Drabble 14**

As part of the treaty, Konoha and Suna agree to an exchange of shinobi. Due to Suna's not knowing of Gaara's change of heart, he is the first one chosen for the exchange. Temari, who had just gotten her brother back, decides that she doesn't want to waste this chance to get to know her brother better, and volunteers. Kankurou, after finding out about his father, decides to stay as well. Random Jounin #37, and random Chuunin's #'s 42 and 51 are sent to Suna.

In a certain village in Wind Country, four people in resplindant robes were seated around a table going over the terms of the treaty Konoha had sent. There was no doubt that they would accept the terms, they didn't have any choice in the matter given their lack of a leader, and the fact that Konoha was still stronger than them even after the invasion.

"So who area we gong to send?" One of them asked.

"I vote Gaara." Another answered.

"But, we can't give up such a powerful weapon." The first man yelled. A third added his opinion.

"A powerful weapon he may be, but an unstable weapon is just as dangerous to its wielder as it is to an enemy."

"This is a mistake." The first man said. "Gaara is far too powerful for us to let go."

"That is true, Yuura, but he is also too dangerous to keep with his father gone."

"It is decided, then." The fourth man finally said. "Gaara will be the first. He can be Konoha's problem now." Yuura paled. Master Sasori wasn't going to like this.

888

"Since we are living here now, I wish for Uzumaki to become our brother." Gaara said imperiously. It was only right that he consider the boy who'd saved him from himself family. It was something that family would do for one another, so far as he knew.

"And just how are we supposed to do that?" Temari asked.

"Well, you can either marry him, or we can adopt him into the family." Kankurou said, wisely taking Gaara's side. Gaara had started to change, true, but he wasn't about to relax his guard yet. While Temari admired the boy's guts and strength as a shinobi, he just wasn't boyfriend or husband material. Adoption it is, but...

"Um, unless the two of you have forgotten," She stated. "We don't have that kind of authority or privelage."

"Actually, Konoha has some really obscure adoption laws." Kankurou said. "In our case, so long as the most senior member of a clan, that's you, gives their permission, Gaara or I could petition for Naruto to join our family."

"We aren't a clan." Temari reminded him.

"Actually, former Kage and their families are granted clan status in Konoha, no matter where they are from, upon accepting citizenship (1). Since our dad was the Kazekage, we have clan status, though we're considered a minor clan."

"How the hell do you know this?" Temari asked; Gaara too was curious.

"I got bored during that month long wait." Kankurou answered. "I did some light reading."

"Fine, let's go see the Hokage." Temari relented. "But considering we never had last names," And she still firmly hated the decree that the Kazekage had to relinquish their surname upon taking office, and that (s)he and his/her family had to go by Sabaku no 'First Name'. They'd have only gotten them back if he retired (or she married), and unlike Konoha, dying didn't count as Unexpected Forced Retirement in Suna. "We have nothing to call the clan, and having him called Sabaku no Naruto, all things considered, would be inappropriate and offensive."

"Well, since we'll all be family anyway, we could take his surname." Kankurou said. "I don't know about you, but I'm sick of not having one."

"Gaara Uzumaki sounds nice." Said teen monotoned. "And I don't even have to suffer the twisted delusions of yaio fangirls to get it."

1. There is of course the customary probation period, but luckily they don't have to worry about that because of the treaty.

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**Silly Drabble 15**

Written by Lao Satoshi (1)

"Lee, I am proud of you my pupil, for mastering the Springtime of Youth." Gai said. "But now that you are 18, it is time for you to leave that behind." Lee looked shocked.

"But Gai-sensei..."

"Hush Lee," Gai ordered, whapping him on the head. "And fear not, for tomeorrow you begin your training for the Summertime of Manhood." Lee's eyes sparkled so bright, he blinded a passing squirrel, which proceded to smash into a tree. Now you may wonder what Gai could teach Lee about getting laid. Well contrary to popular belief, Gai was not gay, nor was he by any means a virgin. Given his training regime, the only person who could more thoroughly plow multiple women into Happy Land, just so happened to be his student's eternal rival. There was also the fact that the only person more capable of seducing women than he was, is Jiraiya (when it really mattered, and he's not playing up the old letch role; although given that Naruto was his apprentice there may be one more ahead of him now), or was it the fact that he could do 100 push-ups with his tongue. Poor Tenten would have no idea what she was getting into when she agreed to help Lee train, although my existence should tell you what eventually came of that training session.

1. If you're wondering who this is, he's an oc I created. He's Tenten's son, and Lee's the daddy.

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**Why Lee would still beat Sasuke in a fight**

"Youthful Smile no Jutsu!" Lee yelled, running through a set of seals. While he had no real talent for Ninjutsu, it would seem that any technique that was filled with youth he could master with ease. The Uchiha, who had been running straight at him, Sharingan blazing got the shock of his life. While normally near blinding, the jutsu that Lee had just used magnified the shine of his smile 10 fold, and fully concentrated it on his foe. With his Sharingan activated, Sasuke couldn't help but take in every detail of the jutsu, and the smile. Every single millimeter of glittering, blinding exuberence that was Lee's grin flash in his eyes at once. He screamed as his eyes burned with untold pain from the super flash. What Naruto said next actually hurt Kakashi's feelings a bit.

"He taught Lee how to beat Sasuke with a smile?" Naruto exclaimed. "Gai is the most awesome sensei ever."

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Well, there's chapter 3, I hope you enjoyed it. If not, you can always visit our Customer Service/Complaint Office. I'd advise against that, the guy that runs it is kind of creepy.


	4. Chapter 4

**Silly Drabble 16**

"Hey teme, you do realize that no one likes you right?" Naruto asked one day out of the blue.

"What are you talking about, baka?" Sakura yelled. "Everyone loves Sasuke, stop being jealous."

"I'm not being jealous, I'm telling the truth." Naruto said. "No one really cares about Sasuke, they only care about his name, Uchiha. If he were anyone else, and he acted that way, people would be a lot less forgiving of his attitude. I've seen a couple of shinobi even glare at him when he got all uppity with them. Just ask Kakashi-sensei."

"That's not true." Sakura spat. "Tell him Kakashi-sensei."

"Actually, Naruto's right." Sasuke's eyes widened. "Your behavior and attitude are offensive, but people let it slide because you are the last Uchiha. There are many older ninja who would love the chance to take you down a peg, but because you have the favor of the civilian council, and the advisors of the Hokage, you can pretty much get away with being a little prick." Sasuke glared at his sensei. "I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but like Naruto, I'm calling it like I see it. Some of my former associates in Anbu are particularly annoyed with the special treatment."

"You wanna know what's really ironic?" Naruto grinned. "You hate your fangirls, but you only have them because of who you are. Isn't it fitting, that the thing you're so prideful about is the exact same thing that causes you to be swarmed by the thing you despise the most...after Itachi of course." The look that came across Sasuke's face had Naruto laughing for hours.

**Silly Drabble 17**

"Okay, this looks like a good place." Kakashi said. "We're going to set up camp here. Sakura, help Naruto pitch a tent for the client when the arrives."

"I believe she's already done that, Kakashi-senpai." Sai said. "And I'm pretty sure there's enough room for all of us." Both Kakashi and Sakura turned to Naruto, the latter glancing down and smiling.

"I see." The masked Jounin replied dryly.

"Hey, it's not my fault." Naruto said. "You're the one that had us in a formation that forced me to stare at Sakura-chan's tight, firm behind for an hour." Smirking to herself, Sakura told Naruto to create a Kage Bunshin to start the tent, before dragging him off into the woods. Had they been channeling chakra to their ears, or using any of a ridiculously large number of auditory eavesdropping techniques available to ninja, Kakashi and Sai likely would have heard the sounds of obscene slurping, followed by ones that resembled grunting and animalistic growls. Thirty-two minutes and some odd seconds after the two younger shinobi had vacated the premises, a loud pleasure filled scream echoed through the forest. Shortly after, the two noise makers returned, clothes slightly disheveled, Sakura with a slight limp, and Naruto with a small spring in his step. Seeing the two, Kakashi raised his single visible brow.

"Pages 234-251." Naruto said. Kakashi snatched his book out, flipped through the pages, then stared wide eyed at Naruto, then Sakura, then Naruto again. Kneeling, he began bowing to the blond. Sakura blushed at the comment, her former sensei's actions, and the feeling of fullness she still had. '_Oh well._' She thought. '_If I'm right, and Naruto is as consistent in bed as he is in battle, Hinata is going to have some company waddling around the village in a few months. I just hope she isn't too angry_,' Little did Sakura know, it was Hinata who had encouraged Naruto to take her like a wanton slut. Naughty Nurse fantasies weren't restricted to guys, after all.

**How Sasuke Saved the World...or, stupid people get lucky too.**

Warning: Everything and everyone featured in this is likely out of character.

Sasuke gets a little to big for his britches, and somehow kills Madara. Believing that his new almighty Sharingan is all powerful, he releases the demons to help him with his revenge on Konoha. What no one told him, is that his eyes only work on the Kyuubi, and that's only because the beast's malevolence, hatred, rage, and superiority complex is very much like the Uchiha template, and because they are so much alike, the Ultimate Mangekyo can control him. The demons, who are very much disgruntled about being torn from their hosts (particularly the Nibi, Yonbi, Rokubi, and Shichibi who'd actually grown fond of the little apes), decided to take their anger out on the ones who imprisoned them.

Because Sasuke had decided to take Madara's cloak as a sign of conquest, he and the others were summarily disposed of by the demons. Nibi went back to Kumo, while Ichibi surprised everyone and said he was going back to the redheaded brat. He'd just started getting used to the concept of love, and was trying to be a good parent to the brat who'd referred to him as mother, when the cloaked bastards showed up. Shichibi went back to Waterfall, just because the people had been kind to her host, and she'd grown attached to the little insects. She was either unaware, or uncaring more likely, of the irony of that thought.

The rest of the demons, with nothing better to do decided on a general consensus...find a Senju to protect, and settle down. If nothing else, the clan always had someone fun to hang out with. They'd had a ball with Tobirama before the old stick in the mud had sent them all away; except Kyuubi who everyone knew he was fucking, nasty androgenous slut that (s)he was.

**Silly Drabble 18**

It has been implied that Naruto wasn't the creator of the Sexy no jutsu. What if that were true? What if there were two other users of the jutsu? What if it was created by the Second Hokage, and the scroll was discarded as Lucillia has theorized? What if Kushina found the scroll, and took it to knew heights by making it a true sex change transformation as I've theorized? What if Sarutobi found the scroll that Kushina used to improve the Nidaime's jutsu, and figured that the good of Naruto being able to finally learn the henge, outweighted the bad of putting a jutsu like that in the hands of Naruto? What if Naruto then did the same as his mother, improving on her work, by making it a true all around transformation, a true shapeshift, that made the henge obsolete? What if Naruto's kid got a hold of this jutsu, resulting in one of the most sinister creations ever...Loli no Jutsu?

"Hello, I'm Tika, I'm four. Could I kill you, mister?" A small girl asked the large, burly Jounin from Somewheregakure. He looked down to see a little girl that couldn't have been more than five giving him not only doe eyes, but had perfectly combined it with the S-ranked Kinjutsu Puppy Pout no Jutsu. Not only that, but the little cat ear head band was just too cute. "Please, I can' save my mommy an' daddy if I don' kill you. It's what the angry man said." The combined effects were already cracking his unflappible resolve, but when she added the crocodile tears on top of that, he was done for. Pulling a kunai from his own pouch, he handed it to the girl, and showed her how to make the kill.

"Okay little one, are you ready?" The girl nodded, tears still spilling from her eyes. With a flash, the man had a kunai lodged in his skull. He collapsed to the ground, and once the child had checked that he was dead, smirked.

"Works every time." She said, before removing the head, and sealing the body for the hunters to study.

888

After reporting in with the Hokage, the girl headed home. Stepping through the door, she found her parents on the couch snuggling.

"Hi mommy, hi daddy." The girl called, causing the man on the couch to shudder.

"Where have you been sweetie?" Hinata asked.

"Hokage-ji wanted me to get the bad man in Someplace no Kuni." Again, Naruto shuddered.

"Kenichi, I thought we discussed this already." Naruto, the former Rokudaime said. "You are not to use that creepy jutsu in the house."

"Sorry dad," A much older voice replied, before blushing, and being enveloped in smoke. What appeared was a young man of sixteen, with a lean build, blond streaked indigo hair, and the familiar milky monotone of the Byakugan, but with his father's eye color. The blue eyes of the Namikaze were a very strong trait after all; and not even a doujutsu gene could completely suppress it. "Well, I'm beat, good night." He called, heading to his room.

"I don't know what's more disturbing." Naruto said, snuggling into his wife's bountiful bosom, to try and alleviate the mental scarring his son had provided. "That he uses the jutsu, or that he's so convincing when using it. I swear, if I'd known my kids were going to change my Shapeshift Jutsu into such abominations, I'd have never made it."

"It's his way of honoring his baby sister." His wife of almost twenty years replied. Hinata glanced over to the small toddler sleeping on the couch whose form their son had used for his jutsu. Naruto again shuddered when he tried to imagine what his highly intelligent little girl would eventually do with that jutsu. He was convinced it would be something that made him feel like Ero-Sennin (a dirty old man); even moreso than the version his twelve year old twin daughters had created. Just thinking about his daughters' creation with the fox ears and tail (aptly named Foxy-chan no Jutsu) gave him a stir in certain places that made his stomach lurch, and skin crawl.

Small Timeline

-Naruto becomes Hokage around age nineteen.

-Naruto marries Hinata (who he'd been seeing for almost two years) soon after.

-They have their first child a year later.

-Naruto is Hokage for over a decade, until just after his thirtieth birthday, before retiring and appointing Konohamaru as his successor.

-Has twin daughters, and officially takes place on Shinobi Council.

-Kenichi Uzumaki learns and corrupts his father's Sexy Jutsu (age 11), and becomes the foremost assassin in the village when he develops the Loli no Jutsu four years later. No one can resist a combination of Hyuuga doe eyes, puppy pout, and crocodile tears. And that even counted the emotionless drones of that fossil Danzo. On a side note, Danzo is the only Konoha shinobi from that era still alive. Why the bed ridden old bastard is still trying to make himself Hokage, no one knows.

-Twin daughters corrupt the jutsu with fox ears and tails, and show their father, resulting in the conception of their baby sister. Cried for three days at the knowledge that his own children had turned him on to the point that he impregnated his wife.

-Sakura Uzumaki, named after the friend who died trying to foolishly retrieve her wayward crush, was born, and at the tender age of three is shaping up to be the next prodigy of the village.

foxychan no jutsu; take your pick, and erase the spaces

my picks *****

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**Going to War...or not**

In a rage over his brother, Raikage decides to declare war on Konoha for the Uchiha's actions, and the fact that they have not put him in check. That is, until Shikamaru points out the obvious.

"If you do not reign in your Uchiha, then we will be forced to declare war." The massive man growled.

"Your declaration of war is not accepted." Tsunade said to the man.

"Raikage-sama, if I may?" Shikamaru said. The man glared, but nodded. "Sasuke Uchiha was a Missing-nin of Konoha true, but he is no longer associated with our village. After leaving Konoha, he joined Orochimaru's Sound Village in Rice Country, officially becoming a Sound ninja. He's since then left them as well, becoming a Nuke-nin not from Konoha, but Oto. Your quarrel over his actions should be directed at them, not us." A dark skinned woman looking through files spoke up.

"It's true Raikage-sama." She said. "Officially, the Uchiha is linked to Oto now, not Konoha. That handsome little Naruto boy is the only one in Konoha really interested in bringing him back."

"Very well, Hokage-sama, I issue a formal apology, and ask your assistance in dealing with the Uchiha, and his village."

"Granted." She said with a grin.

The sad part is, Orochimaru had finally succeeded in taking over Kabuto, and was just getting things back under control.

**This is a test...**

"Okay Konoha, I propose a test." The twelve year old said. "If I can prove that I'm not the Kyuubi, will you stop treating me like I am?" One brave villager spoke up.

"How about we make a deal?" The man said. "If you can prove to us that you aren't the demon, then I'll let you have my daughter to do with whatever you want for a week." A certain pink haired girl gasped in shock at her father's words. "But if you can't, then you will turn yourself over to be executed." There were cheers from the crowd. They had the demon this time.

"Fine, but I don't think Sakura-chan agrees with your deal." Naruto said. Then, turning to the Hokage, Naruto asked. "Ojisan, about what time was the fox sealed?"

"Shortly after midnight on the eleventh of October." The old man replied.

"And about what time was I born?" Naruto asked.

"Your birth certificate says 11:19 p.m. on the tenth." The Hokage replied.

"So I was born less than an hour before the Kyuubi was sealed." Naruto replied. "The mere fact that the Kyuubi and I were both alive, on the same plane of existence, and at the same time proves that I am not the fox; nor am I the fox reborn; especiallly since I was born during the attack. That I was born less than an hour before the Kyuubi's attack was ended means that there is no possible way that I could have had anything to do with it. It also means that no, I did not have any say in the sealing either."" The man spluttered as he tried to come up with something, but the Hokage just smirked.

"Naruto may not be the fox, but he's certainly as crafty as any Kitsune." A man said, his nose buried in an orange book.

"Anbu, seize the girl, her service to Naruto starts immediately." The Hokage said. When Sakura was brought before Naruto, the crowd that had been dispersing to try and come to grips with things turned back. Maybe this would give them the ammo they needed to hate the boy again.

"Wh-what will y-you h-have me do m-m-master?" Sakura stuttered out. She knew of the boy's crush on her, and was fearful of just what he'd do, since he could do what he wished to her for a week, without any reprimand.

"Jeez Sakura-chan, you sound like that weird girl, Hinata." He said before grinning widely. "Well, since you've gotta do what I say for a week, I figure that I'll take full advantage of it." She visibly flinched. "Sakura Haruno, for the next week, you have to..." Here it was, the moment they'd been waiting for. "Help me with all that Academy stuff that I don't understand; especially Genjutsu, that's the worst." The people that knew Naruto as the person he was, smiled, the ones that didn't care sweat-dropped, and the haters face-faulted. That had come from so far out of left field. "You're pretty smart, so I think I should put that to good use, ne. I just found out that I learn whatever my Kage Bunshin does; since I can make like a hundred with no problem, I figure I can cut down on the time it takes." Giving a small sigh of relief, Sakura gave Naruto a smile, and nodded her acceptance of her task.

With one on one instruction, Naruto learns at a rate that puts even her and Sasuke-kun to shame. Sakura finds herself warming up to the blond, and even thinking of him in a fond manner. While she doubts she'll develop and return his feelings for her, she begins to see him as at least a friend.

**Ulterior Motives**

Hiashi informs Hinata that she will be married to a Noble in the Fire Country capital in a months time. She is also told that she must remain pure for the wedding. He knows of her feelings for Naruto, and Hiashi hopes this will encourage her to grow a spine, and pursue Uzumaki. She's 22, single, and still blushing around the blond. Hiashi tells the people he knows she'd go to for advice to encourage her to defy him, and tell him that she refuses the marriage. Anko, whose with Kurenai at the time advises her to fuck Naruto, since the marriage stipulates she be a virgin.

Hiashi is sitting at his desk sipping on a cup of tea, sighing at the notice from the capital. The noble's guards would be there to retrieve her in the morning.

"It would seem that my gamble did not pay off." Hiashi said, taking out the official notice to the Hokage that Hinata would be retiring from the shinobi forces, and that Hanabi would become the next in line. He was interrupted by a knock on his door. "Enter." He looked up to see his nephew Neji enter the room, his face redder than a tomato. "Are you alright Neji?"

"No uncle, I am not." Neji said. "I just learned things about Hinata-sama that I would have been happy not to." Hiashi's mind was whirling. The red to Neji's face as well as various other biological signs pointed to him having witnessed something that would embarrass him. The way he spoke, further confirmed this. Raising an eyebrow, he asked.

"Such as?" The boy shivered.

"That Naruto can bring out a side to her that I'd have preferred not to know existed." Dare he hope?

"And what was she doing with Uzumaki-san?" Hiashi asked.

"Making you a grandfather." Hiashi inwardly let out a giant sigh of relief. Outwardly, he nodded. "Have Uzumaki-san join you when you escort her home in the morning."

"Hiashi-sama?" Neji asked. While he knew that his uncle approved of the relationship, he didn't think he'd approve of pre-marital relations that resulted in pregnancy. "In the morning?"

"I didn't think you'd want to expose yourself to their...actions...any more than you already had." Hiashi said, allowing just the hint of a smirk to form. "Was I wrong?"

"I will inform them in the morning as you wish." Neji said quickly. Once he'd gone, Hiashi turned to the picture of his deceased wife, who seemed to be frowning in the candle light.

"I'm going to be in trouble when I finally join you, aren't I." He said, slumping back into his chair.

**Karma is a motherfucker**

Karma is a motherfucker. Danzo should have realized this the moment good fortune smiled upon him. After years of manipulation, blackmail, and backdoor politics (and unfortunately for some of the kunoichi under his command, this sometimes took on a more sexual meaning), Danzo had finally come into possession of the ultimate weapon...authoratative control over the sixteen year old Toad Sage/Kyuubi Jinchuuriki/Son of the Flash, Naruto Uzumaki. For Danzo, having Naruto in his Root was supposed to be all sunshine and daisies. Even if he wasn't the Hokage, he had the means to ensure that his will would be done. That idea goes to shit the very next day, for biology, the Kyuubi, and an odd set of circumstances combine to make life hell for the seedy bastard

The seal of the Yondaime was designed to absorb the Kyuubi as soon as Naruto's power exceeded that of the Kyuubi. There were several factors that had prevented this from happening. First, was that Naruto's own natural power was about a fourth of what the Kyuubi was capable of (more like half quantitatively, but given the potency of youki, it felt more like a fourth). There was also the fact that ever since the seal had been tampered with by Orochimaru, it had begun decaying and eroding the integrity of the seal. While it would not allow the Kyuubi to escape, it made it incapable of fully utilizing certain abilities, and it allowed the Kyuubi to influence Naruto when he drew on too much of its power; examples being the incident with Jiraiya, and his most recent encounter with Orochimaru.

As stated before, Naruto's power exceeding the Kyuubi's would have been the catalyst for Naruto absorbing the fox (and likely creating a new bloodline). Normally, this would have taken Naruto until he was at least 21, but the death of Jiraiya sped this happening up much faster. Several things happening in quick succession caused this to happen much sooner than anyone expected; even under the most ideal of planned circumstances.

First, was Naruto becoming a Toad Sage, and mastering it at a level that no other human had before. Because he didn't use Ma and Pa to help him gather Sage chakra while on the move, and was in fact capable of doing it by himself, the natural energy had been incorporated much deeper into his biological functions, much the same way as both his own and Kyuubi's chakra.

The second thing, was that like youki compared to human chakra, Sage chakra was far more potent than youki (about 2x as potent). With Naruto being able to draw on an amount of Sage chakra voluminously equal to his own natural chakra (equal as in quantity, not quality), he is capable of drawing in an amount of Sage chakra equal to just over half of the youki held back by the seal. Thus, under the right circumstances, the Sage chakra would completely neutralise the youki, leaving only Naruto's natural chakra to battle the youki that the seal allowed to be constantly pumped into his system. In a battle of both quality and quantity, Naruto's own power exceeds the Kyuubi's and the conditions for the last part of the seal should have come into play. Because of Orochimaru's tampering, however, the damaged seal was unable to properly utilize this ability.

Fastforward to the middle of a fight for his very life. While fighting Pein, Naruto had been overwhelmed first by the Akatsuki leader, then by the Kyuubi. When he'd been just about to give up, and release the fox, he was stopped by an imprint of his father, also left that day over a decade ago within the seal. At the end of the impromptu reunion, Minato performed the last piece of the puzzle. He repaired the damaged seal. With the Sage power able to neutralise most of the youki, Naruto's own power usurping the rest, and the seal now fully funtioning, the conditions were set for the seal to act on its final purpose. All it would take, is one action to set things in motion. As it would happen, that action would take place less than a month after that. In an effort to further train his Sage abilities, to make using it for longer a possibility, Naruto set off the seal's special function.

Of the two dozen shinobi under Danzo's control, just over half were female (despite his supposed emotionless stoicism, he was just as big a pervert as his rival, and Anbu did wear body hugging uniforms). One of the side effects of absorbing the Kyuubi, was that he ended up with what amounted to a reproduction cycle. Much like a woman's period, it came once a month, and caused him all sorts of annoyances. As it would happen, this cycle would occur when Naruto was going through Danzo's mandatory resistance training. He was given an aphrodisiac, and forced to resist both the drug's effects and the kunoichi trying to seduce him (any sane person could see that Danzo sometimes expected a bit much of his drones). Naruto fails spectacularly, and ends up dominating every female in the unit, while injuring any male that came near him (competitive alpha male instincts). A couple months later, a huge portion of Danzo's private army ends up with morning sickness. The reason, he hadn't bothered to read Tsunade's report on Naruto and the futility of conventional kunoichi contraceptives.

**PUBERTY...or how Naruto put several of his friends in the hospital from bloodloss, and eventually got himself a harem.**

Naruto, as was his habit, managed to skip class on the day they went through puberty, sexual education, and the body's changes. Therefore, he was unaware of such changes (which would explain why he was completely unaffected by his own jutsu). He also happened to be a very late bloomer.

When Naruto wakes up one morning with the Breakfast Wood, he thinks something is wrong, and runs to Tsunade's office. Little did he know that Tsunade was meeting with all of the kunoichi his age for certain...kunoichi specific...reasons. Naruto burst into the room (somehow ignoring all the people in there except Tsunade), dropped his pants and boxers, and pointing to his penis yelled.

"Tsunade-baachan, there's something wrong with my dick." The statement drew the attention of six kunoichi to said dick. What they found was something that was much larger than any thirteen year old should possess; actually larger than many five years his senior should have. Five kunoichi hit the floor, their faces stained with blood. Tsunade gave a frustrated sigh as she realized she'd have to give the boy the talk, because there was no one else to do it. Judging from Shizune's reaction, this wasn't something she could pawn off onto her assistant, and she'd actually had to send Iruka on a mission. She would never trust something like this to Kakashi or Jiraiya, because it wouldn't get done, or it would be done badly. Not to mention, Jiraiya was likely to scar the poor boy.

**Nevermind**

"Okay Naruto, I'll go out with you, but you're going to have to make some major changes." As Sakura rambled on about all the changes she felt he should make, Naruto noticed a recurring theme in them. Nearly everything she was telling him reminded him of Sasuke. Now slightly annoyed, and finding himself far less attracted to the pinkette, Naruto turned and began to walk away. "And finally, no more- Hey! where are you going?" Sakura exclaimed to the retreating figure.

"I'm going to go see if Hinata is still interested." Naruto replied. "At least she likes me, and won't try to force me to be like someone else."

**Naruto Uzumaki, Ambassador of Leaf**

What if Sarutobi had taken more of a role in raising Naruto, taking him with him when he went to meet dignitaries from other villages? What if Sarutobi made sure that Naruto was seen as the hero he should have been seen as? What if somehow, Naruto, in all his childhood innocence, convinced all of the Jinchuuriki to relocate to leaf (or at least the ones being treated badly)?

Gaara would of course come later.

**What the Hell?**

Naruto entered Tsunade's office wondering what she wanted that was so urgent. Looking around, he found that Kiba, his mom, and his sister were there too.

'_Wonder what this is about?_' Naruto said, unable to think of anything important that would involve him and the Inuzukas.

"Naruto, you made it, now we can start." Tsunade said. "Tsume."

"Right, Kiba, Naruto, Tsunade and I felt it was time to reveal something that has been kept from the two of you." Tsume paused to take a breath. "Kiba, Naruto is your younger half-brother."

"What the hell?" Kiba asked.

"What he said." Naruto concurred.

"You and Naruto are brothers." Tsunade said. "The bloodwork proves it." Kiba's eyes then went wide.

"Wait, does that mean that the Yondaime was my father too." He gave a fanged grin. "Sweet."

"Actually, no." Tsume replied. "Minato was not your father, though he was quite the beast in the sack."

"NANI?" Several voices piped up.

"That's not important." Tsume said.

"Wait, if Naruto is my brother-

"Half-brother," Tsume corrected.

"Half-brother, then was the Yondaime being Naruto's father a lie too?" Kiba asked.

"No, that was the truth." Tsunade said. "Minato Namikaze was Naruto's father, but not yours."

"Okay, will someone please explain this to us before my head starts hurting." Naruto griped.

"Let's just put it like this." Tsume said. "Naruto wasn't the first person in the village with a gender-bending jutsu. The only difference, was that Kushina's only gave her functioning boy parts, not a complete change." Mothers or not, the two teens were blown backwards into the wall from the force of the nosebleed that image produced.

"I guess this would be a bad time to tell him that he's Jiraiya's grandson."

**The Odd Couple**

Naruto is attacked on his fourth birthday. What made things so bad, was that whoever had masterminded the attack had waited until Sarutobi was forced to deploy his most trusted Anbu in regards to Naruto. Anko breaks up the attack, and begs to take him in. Because of her age (16), she is forced to find someone else to help her take care of him. Kakashi can't do it, because he's in Anbu. Enter Maito Gai, to take his place, as a personal favor to his Eternal Rival.

After the attack, Naruto is adopted and raised by the oddest pair of shinobi anyone could imagine; Gai and Anko. As part of their mission, although that part was added later as an excuse to push some funds their way to make monetary issues easier, they are given a large three bedroom apartment.

Naruto's treatment by the villagers doesn't change much-ignored, looked down on, generally disliked- considering Anko is viewed just as badly as he is, and Gai is Gai. They no longer attack him because he's protected, and because they know Anko's retaliation will be harsh, be within her rights to as she's protecting her adopted son.

Naruto gets his first view of a woman's naked body at the age of four, because Anko has to get used to sharing living space with others; meaning she can't walk around her apartment naked anymore.

Naruto still becomes a prankster (Anko encourages Naruto to fight back, but this is at least tempered by Gai's assertion that he not take things too far), and pretty much the same person he was canonwise (with some obvious differences, sure), but with one major difference. He's not stupid.

pair

Gai/Anko eventually

**Silly Drabble 19**

What if Gaara was a girl, and had rather archaic notions about love, relationships, and sex.

"That's enough." Gaara's voice said. "We're done."

"Whatever you say Gaara." Kankurou said.

"Naruto Uzumaki, I have never lost a fight before today." The sand user said. "Because you have defeated me, when mother deems that I am of a suitable age to give birth, you will father my children."

"WHAAATT?" Four people shouted in unison. Naruto blinked wildly, suddenly no longer feeling the least bit sleepy, but wishing unconsciousness would take him.

**Silly Drabble 20**

"Hey Sakura, when I made that promise to bring Sasuke back, I didn't specify his health condition, did I?"

"Well no, but-"

"So, if I brought back his corpse, then that would count as bringing him back."

"Naruto, don't you dare kill Sasuke."

"What if he tries to kill me again?" Naruto asked. "Could I do it then?"

"Well, if he was trying to kill you, then I guess I'd rather have you come back alive over him." Naruto gave a grin.

"Thanks, Sakura." Naruto called, walking away.

8888

Breaks into Sasuke's old apartment, and steals his diary. He then has it published. The title Sasuke Uchiha: Broody Hearthrob or Sissy with Duck Ass Hair. Naruto sets up an area with thousands of traps that even the Mangekyo Sharingan can't keep up with or predict, and waits for Sasuke.

August 4

Dear Diary,

Niisan poked me in the forehead again today. That's really starting to get on my nerves, I'm going to tell mommy on him.

Anyway, enough about niisan, kaasan said she was taking me shopping for my Academy supplies. I can't wait. Even though he's a pain, and annoys me, I still wanna be strong like Niisan when I get bigger. Mommy's calling me, I have to go now, talk to you later diary.

Love you,

Sasuke-kun

**Silly Drabble 21**

Because that cheeky little bastard decided to specifically leave out certain details when he was telling Sasuke the history of Konoha (namely the fact that he was the reason that the Kyuubi attacked 16 years prior, and he's the reason no one trusted the Uchiha clan).

VoE; 63 years ago...

"I shall have my revenge upon not only those traitors, but you and that village as well." Madara yelled. "You may have been able to influence the tailed beasts, but my new eyes give me absolute control of the Kyuubi. Not even you can stop me Hashirama."

"I will admit your eyes are formidable, but they are not invincible." Hashirama lectured. "Your brother has had your eyes implanted, and they seem to work just as well as the ones you took from him. By the way, he is very cross with your treachery. As for your boasts about the Kyuubi, you are as aware of our shared lineage as I am Madara. You should know that I am far more capable than I would seem."

"Then we will just have to see." The man growled. Madara ran through a set of seals, and called. "Yokai Kuchiyose: Kyuubi no Yoko!" The ground around them split, as a vile red chakra began to seep up from the fissure that had just formed in the ground. The potent miasma from the summoning was very thick, and made breathing difficult. Madara looked on with delight. He knew he was taking a big gamble, because a summoning of this nature would drain him of nearly all the fighting strength he had. As a giant red paw began to for from the red haze surrounding the two rivals, he allowed a sigh of relief. Had this not worked, he'd have been in no shape to take on a man of Hashirama's calibur; it was a chakra exhausting effort in itself to just fight him to a standstill at full strength even with the Eternal Mangekyo, he'd learned that before he left. As a second, third, and fourth paw appeared, and an arm began to form from the first one, he knew he would be victorious. With his Eternal Mangekyo using only a fraction of the chakra that the most basic level of the Sharingan did, he would be able to see to not only the distruction of Hashirama, but the Leaf Village as well. Although, he would have to tread lightly if what Hashirama said of Izuna was true.

An earth shaking roar signalled the complete formation of the Kyuubi no Yoko, and Madara was now assured victory. He looked over to his rival, expecting to see a man fearing for his life, or at the very least trying to figure out how to stop this demon. What he found, was the same unwavering, calm countenance that enfuriated him about the man. Not only that, but the bastard Senju was staring at him, almost seemingly ignoring the Kyuubi altogether. Something was wrong here, and it was starting to give him a bad feeling. It was then that he noticed Hashirama's condition, or rather lack of one; that being fatigue. He knew that the two Senju brothers had their weekly training sessions on Wednesdays, and had timed his assault with that in mind. For some reason, the man was either not tired as he should be, or he was bluffing.

Now one thing that needs to be realised, is had this been normal continuity, Hashirama should have still died during, or shortly after, this encounter. What should have happened that day, was Hashirama and his brother engaging in an intense training session, followed by this attempt on his village. Being as exhausted as he would have been, subduing Kyuubi enough to defeat Madara, and then completely subduing the biju once he'd turned the man away would have been far too much for his human body to withstand. As it would happen, the gorgeous Namikaze girl (damn Tobirama for being able to so easily seduce hot women) that his brother had been stalking had finally caved (a full week earlier than he'd guessed), and the training session had been postponed. As it was, instead of an exhausted Hashirama coming to confront Madara, it was a fully rested and energized, as well as mildly annoyed, Hashirama that appeared. Thus, while taking a tremendous amount of chakra, subduing Kyuubi was almost child's play. Running through a set of seals, and then grasping the jewel on the string around his neck, Hashirama called.

"Senjuhigi: Sanctuary Enlightenment Enclosing Palm!" He followed this by pointing his hand in the direction of the Kyuubi, and with a voice that carried all the authority of being the Shodai Hokage, Hashirama ordered. "Sit!" And the Kyuubi did just that, shaking the ground as his massive backside hastened to follow the order. Madara began to pale further than his genetic coding had already made him upon noticing that Hashirama was still unexhausted. Using that technique after training with his brother should have had him gasping for breath, and ready to pitch forward. In the same tone, he followed up with, "Stay!", and Madara knew then and there that he was fucked...and not the kind he'd enjoyed with that cute little pink haired girl either (although in retrospect, he was glad that he'd left Konoha, because that was one insessant little fangirl he didn't want to see again; the fact that she couldn't have been more than thirteen didn't help the fact).

"Shit!" Madara muttered. Backpeddling, he spoke up. "Haha, gotcha. I can't believe you fell for that Hashi-kun. I would have thought the Shodai-sama would have seen that joke coming from a mile away." When he saw that that wasn't going to work, he tried to make a break for it, but considering their current levels of stamina, that wasn't going to pan out very well. This thought was proven true when several branches came out, and grasped him tightly, holding him in place.

"The only regret I have this day, is that a little girl back home will never know her father." Madara was once again glad that he'd left, although in hindsight, he probably should have gone on to Water Country like he'd planned, instead of trying to get revenge while Hashirama still lived. With the swiftness, and efficiency of a longtime shinobi, Hashirama's kunai flashed, and his aim was true.

Once the deed had been done, Madara Uchiha was no longer among the land of the living, and the massive fox was no longer under his control, Hashirama released the Kyuubi from its frozen position.

"You know, I don't appreciate you treating me like some common mutt." Hashirama scratched the back of his head with a sheepish expression.

"Yeah, sorry about that, but I was trying to make a statement." He answered. "You know, get in my opponents head."

"I'm going to let this slide because I was at least amused by his fear." The demon growled. "And because you executed the fool who thought to enslave me."

'_And I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that if I tell him to sit and stay, and don't release the command, he'll be stuck there until one of my descendants releases him, if they even can._' Wisely, Hashirama only thought this. No need to have the Kyuubi with a vendetta against Konoha. "So what are you going to do, now?"

"Well," The fox said, assuming a human form with long red hair, and pale aristocratic features. "There's this hot Uzumaki broad that I've had my eyes on for awhile." It was Hashirama's turn to turn pale.

"Oh dear Kami." He groaned. "They're already a clan full of tricky, sneaky, pranksters (even in battle; which translated to a clan of demented trapmasters) with blown up chakra stores. The last thing the world needs is for them to add your blood and any potential abilities that may give them."

"You do realize that you've only convinced me even more to go along with this."

**Silly Drabble 22**

This would take place in the same universe as the above drabble.

In a world where Madara overestimated his ability to control the Kyuubi, compared to Hashirama's ability to subdue them (as well as Tobirama's ability to get into women's pants). Akatsuki is never formed, Mist never becomes the Bloody Mist (because Madara doesn't become Kage nor is Yagura being manipulated by him), and several years down the line, history repeats itself in a certain father-son duo. After the most recent conflict, many of the clans in the village were still battle hungry, and when the Mizukage tries to adopt some of Sarutobi's ideals, they revolt.

In reseponse to the clans in the village, the Yondaime Mizukage, aka the Sanbi Jinchuuriki, seeks an alliance with Minato for help. As is the case with most political alliances, a marriage contract is formed, with one Terumi Mei being the kunoichi being involved. The two kage agreed on a provisional alliance, with a later marriage between their two children signifying the full alliance. When the Kyuubi attacked Konoha (see Wierdest Attack Ever), Mist thought that the alliance would be voided, but Sarutobi held that it would still be upheld. The only difference, was that it would have to wait until the Namikaze heir was older, and able to protect himself enough from his father's enemies to learn of his heritage.

Seven year old Terumi was rather put out (as most children looking forward to something only to have it ruined are), but she agreed to adhere to her father's wishes. Even as a child, young Mei's countenance was frightful, and could easily cow even the village leader at times. But that was only to be expected being the child of the Sanbi Jinchuuriki after all. Terumi proved to be a very powerful young woman, possessing two bloodlines (one from each parent), and some of the power and certain healing, chakra, and durability aspects of being a vessel, inherited from her Jinchuuriki father, but in less of a dosage. It still made for a formidable combination, and she rose through the ranks rapidly, the only ones in the entire continent to advance faster being some of the Leaf's most gifted shinobi (The Sannin, Itachi, Kakashi, etc.).

As a result of this, by the time her future husband was preparing to take the Chuunin Exams, she was already the sensei of a team who was doing the same. Imagine the surprise of the world when the two betrothed shinobi finally meet...right after Kakashi tells Naruto that he has to focus on Sasuke for his match against Gaara. When she finds that while he knows the Kage Bunshin (which already has her drooling at the possibilities), he's no where near strong enough to know of his parents, and therefore can't become her husband. Deciding that patience is overrated in this situation, she decides that since he's not strong enough, then she'll make him strong enough.

In an odd turn of events, Nagato, not going the route of the Akatsuki decides to get his payback another way. When he learns that Danzo is a rival of the third Hokage, and that the man is planning to use Hanzo's help to overthrow the Hokage, he creates an alliance with Sarutobi to take care of both problems. Sarutobi helps Pain remove Hanzo from power, and Nagato in turn helps to get rid of Danzo's forces. When Sarutobi learns of the attempted attack during the Chuunin exams, he has both Pein and Yagura, as well as Mist and Waterfall to help them repel the attack.

**Silly Drabble 23**

What happens when Naruto give Sasuke some advice on how to deal with his fangirls...and Sasuke takes it? Two simple words will have far reaching effects on the Naruto world.

"You know, you should just tell them you're gay." Naruto said. "That would make them leave you alone for good."

'_Or it could turn them more rabid, and make them work twice as hard to bring him back from the dark side._' naruto thought. '_Either way, I'm gonna get a laugh out of it._'

"Sasuke-kun, why won't you go out with me?" Sakura whined. Sasuke debated telling her every single reason why, but decided to take the simplest route; one that, after some thought, seemed to be a decidedly good permanent deterrent for the rabid hyenas.

"I'm gay." He said simply, before walking away, leaving a soul shocked Sakura behind. The taumatised kunoichi could only stare in horror as her world shattered around her.

**Silly Drabble 24**

Kakashi, reluctantly admitting that Gai is better than him at something, asks Gai to help Naruto and Sakura with their taijutsu (Sakura declines, saying that she'd much rather learn from Kakashi-sensei; he does work with her, but as she spends most of her time fawning over Sasuke, not much work gets done). When Neji complains that his teaching that loser is cutting into his own training, Gai brings up the idea of a full on trade until the Chuunin Exams, since the Uchiha heir would be a good opponent for Neji to spar with. Neji shows him just how untalented he truly is, and that his Sharingan is useless if his body can't keep up.

"Do I really have to wear this?" Naruto asked.

"Of course, it is the youthful garments of our training." Gai said. "It also makes your training that much more beneficial." He still didn't know where those merchants found the fabric, or what they did to it, but it was purely magical.

"But Tenten and Neji don't have to wear it." Naruto complained.

"Neji and I both wore it for the first two months of our training." Tenten said embarrassed. All three people blushed in remembrance of that first meeting. The cameltoe that she'd sported, and been unable to relinquish herself of had resulted in her wearing a skirt for the first time in her life. Neji stopped wearing it when Tenten was forced to, because Gai didn't want to seem like he was giving her special treatment. "I still wear it sometimes when I'm training at home because the fabric is admittedly comfortable.

"Oh, alright, fine." Naruto said, taking the suit behind a pair of bushes.

"Oh, and you might want to lose your youthful underpants as well." Gai said, wincing. "The bunching is very uncomfortable." Naruto pinkened, but took them off as well. After slithering into the tight green suit, for there was no real way to get in otherwise, he stepped from behind the bushes, and got looks of shock.

Tenten's mouth was wide open, her jaw sitting on the floor. The significant hug of the suit resulted in a rather impressive bulge that the kunoichi couldn't tear her eyes away from.

'_Maybe Gai-sensei was right, and I need to start looking elsewhere for relationship oppotunities._' She thought. '_Neji sure doesn't seem like he'll develop a personality or interest in girls anytime soon._' Lee was staring in shock, thinking how Naruto might be a much more impressive eternal rival than even Neji. He could practically see the youthful energies that were flowing off the blond in waves. Best you just don't ask on this one. The Youth is stronger with Lee than the Force was with Anakin.

'_Yosh, Naruto-kun looks almost as handsome as Gai-sensei and myself._' Gai felt a buzz of annoyance go through him, and shook his head.

'_How the hell does he make that look so badass._' He thought in shock. '_I must train to prove my youthful excellence, and match Naruto-kun's badassery._' Little did Gai know, that it was his hair and eyebrows that kept him from having any sort of potential badassness with his jumpsuit.

"Okay, lets start with a spar to see where you are." Gai said. "I will watch you, and see if I can think of a Taijutsu form that will suit your fighting style."

Over with Kakashi and Team 7, Sakura is in fangirl heaven. Two rookie of the years, both dark, angry/broody types, both with feelings of harsh hostility towards what they believe is the cause of all of their life's problems, both pretty enough to be girls with the right features; and both have very low opinions of her and treat her like garbage.

As for Kakashi, he was hoping the next six months would pass quickly, and if Gai could get Naruto up to scratch sooner than that. Having one broody annoyance was bad enough with only Naruto liven things up. Now he was stuck with two of them, and a retarded fangirl who was practically catatonic in her drooling obsession of prissy, bishounin, emos.

More Drabbles for your enjoyment. Again, see customer service if you didn't. And again, I will warn you...he's creepy, so I wouldn't advise it without a bodyguard.


End file.
